My father taught me how to drive. He said, “Son, never use the steering wheel.”
George Peterson has developed the world’s first line of “Gasoline Clothes”. Produced in a variety of styles and colors ranging from 3-piece suits to blue jeans, these clothes can power a car. “So if you ever run out of gas again,” Mr. Peters stated, “you simply take off your shirt, put it in the gas tank and drive off.”
Space travel. Unquestionably dangerous, but safer than getting a haircut from a dolphin, mankind has dreamt of travel in outer space. We began our journey by sending monkeys into orbit followed by white men in astronaut suits. (These men were specially picked because they couldn’t tan at the beach. NASA thought that orbiting them closer to the sun would help.)
After nearly a decade of hard work, on July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 touched down on the surface of the moon! And, just to prove that we could now go anywhere, six months later Apollo 12 touched down on the surface of China! There was no stopping us now.
During the 1970’s there was a change in strategy. Astronauts remained in earth orbit (they were all men and their wives wanted them closer to home to help with the laundry) while we sent machines into the outer reaches of the solar system. One probe named Voyager had a recorded message. If found by extraterrestials it said, “Hello! I am from the planet earth. Do you have the time?” (It was spoken in english because in every movie the aliens always spoke english so it was assumed that they did in real life.)
As we continue to explore, space experts predict that private citizens will own their own spaceships and fly to the moon and beyond. My gut response is that will never happen but after seeing a man suck an egg up his nose I’m not sure. Anything’s possible.
I remember my first car. My grandfather sold it to me. It was his first car.
He knocked on the front door to pick up his date.
The girl’s father answered.
“You dare try and seduce my daughter you Chinese filth!” he screamed, pointing a gun at him.
“No, sir, no. It’s nothing like that,” he said. “We’re just going to the mall. Please sir, I mean no harm. And I’m not Chinese.” He backed away from the old man.
“Don’t you talk to me you French scum! You want to get my daughter drunk so you can take advantage of her!” He fired some shots into the air.
“I wasn’t going to do any such thing,” he pleaded. “I wasn’t going to lay a hand on your daughter. Now please put down that gun. Somebody might get hurt. And I’m also not French.”
“You Italian degenerate! You expect me to believe that? You come to my home to get my daughter and you’re not going to try anything? Do you think I’m an idiot?” he screamed, shooting the gun off several more times.
“No sir, you’re not an idiot. Just mistaken. Like when you called me an Italian. I’m not.”
“You’re a Polish rapist and I’m going to kill you!” He fired the gun directly at him.
“I’m not Polish!” he shouted, jumping behind a tree.
“I intend to make an example of your death to all Japanese garbage. You can’t expect to lay a hand on my daughter and get away with it.”
“And I’m not Japanese either!”
“So you’re from Argentina?”
From my book “5 Pumpkins & a Head”.
I started reading my horoscope and laughed because none of the predictions were coming true. Then I realized they were coming true for my cat.
My buddy doesn’t use laundry detergent He puts his clothes in the washer and throws in a cat. He said the cat does a better job.