When I die, don’t bury me. I want to be freeze-dried.
I don’t wash my fruits and vegetables. I have them dry-cleaned.
My uncle recently passed and I am the executor of his will. One job I have is to handle the funeral and I discovered how expensive these affairs are. In my quest to find something cheaper, I saw a newspaper advertisement for a local store that sold coffins. So I bought one from them, put my uncle’s body in it and drove him to the funeral parlor. They refused delivery. They said I had to buy their casket.
Very irritated, I returned home and put my uncle in the garage until I can figure out what to do. My wife suggested looking for a cemetery where I can dig my own hole.
My mother was an actress in silent movies but had trouble communicating after leaving the business. Every time she opened her mouth to talk organ music came out and she’d have to hold up a title card.
I attended a funeral today. The deceased was someone I didn’t know. In fact, I didn’t know anyone. I spotted the casket being carried into the church by the pallbearers when one of them tripped on the stairs. I ran over to help prevent the casket from hitting the ground. Next thing I knew I was part of the ceremony carrying the dearly beloved on my right shoulder. After placing the casket down, I took my seat with the other pallbearers. Apparently the gentleman I replaced was going to give the eulogy for the departed. When the moment arrived, everyone looked at me. I stood, walked to the podium and solemnly remembered the deceased. I spoke of how he loved his family and his accomplishments. I said that while he not only walked on the moon and was also President of France, he was proud of his wife and children even more. A few of the mourners gasped at my comments. Others nodded their heads in agreement. I closed the eulogy with the song – “Star Spangled Banner”. Everyone joined in.
Exhausting day today. Went to store to buy a new camera. Walked out with a coffee pot. Thought it WAS a camera. Then went to a furniture store. Needed a new couch. Bought a small car. I thought the car’s backseat WAS the couch. Spent the last 5 years learning French. Went to the French embassy to talk to the Ambassador. He didn’t understand me. Apparently I learned Hungarian.
A friend requested that I put coffee on. I told him that I didn’t have any clothes made out of coffee. But I did have a shirt made out of celery so I put that on.