I applied for a job at a school as a substitute teacher. I was hired and put in a classroom with substitute students.
I awoke this morning covered in sweat. At first I thought I had filed my IRS taxes (I do that while I’m sleeping) but my wife said I had a nightmare. She said that I had been screaming, “I don’t want to get married!” which she took personally. (Don’t understand why.) Slowly I remembered the dream. It was the typical story. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Boy wants to marry girl. Then boy discovers girl is a cannibal and changes his mind. That nightmare reminded me of my first love. Except she was a vegetarian. I ran screaming then too.
My father taught me how to drive. He said, “Son, never use the steering wheel.”
I hate door-to-door salesmen. I have 50 “No Solicitation” signs in 50 languages outside my door. Today, there was a knock on my door. Apparently I need one more – in Braille.
I took my pants to the dry cleaners but didn’t have enough money so I asked them to clean just one leg. Wouldn’t you know, the guy cleaned the wrong one.
I stopped eating healthy. I felt so good I didn’t recognize the feeling and thought that something was wrong.
I belong to a support group for people who smell like cheese. Lately there has been in-fighting in the group. The people who smell like cheddar are trying to kick out the people who smell like swiss.