Answers to the Mysteries

(Excerpt from my book.)

Foreword (written) by Albert Eyenstein

When I was approached by Richard to write the foreword to his book, I naturally requested that I might read the manuscript first. Unfortunately Richard was having problems at the time, robbers broke into his house stealing all of his notes and leaving Vatican tour guides in its place. So here I sit in front of my computer composing the opening to a book that I not only haven’t read, but one who’s subject I am also totally unaware of! Circumventing this problem, I decided to instead write about its author.

Richard is a man of many talents, one of which includes being able to distinguish between a man who’s 6’3″ tall and one who’s 5’10”. In early 1965 he also settled a thousand year old controversy when he proved that the Earth DOES have a moon circling it. He did this by looking into the sky and pointing directly at it.

Richard was born and raised in New Jersey. In high school he became the subject of controversy when he nominated a blue whale for senior class president. During the 1960’s when the country became preoccupied with ecology and health food, he saw these as foolish distractions and stated that the only way to save the world was through heavy and systemically organized pollution.

I met Richard in 1975 when he helped me test a theory about the speed of light. A camera was programmed to take his photograph at 1/5000th of a second. A second photograph of Richard was taken in Europe under the same conditions but this time it took 3 days to take the same picture. This proved conclusively that the speed of light isn’t a constant in the world. (It’s slower in Europe which explains a lot of things.)

Richard and I shared many ideas about the arts, sciences and public bathrooms. We would sit for hours discussing Hungarian philosophy and its relationship to clean underwear. We took many walks along the Nile River wondering how we got there, and we never missed an opportunity to shove a soccer ball down some loudmouth’s throat. In April of 1977 we built and successfully launched a moon-rocket containing an 8 by 10 inch photograph of a dog brushing his teeth.

I now return to the subject of his book. I do know that the name of his book is “Answers to the Mysteries”, and from my experience of knowing Richard, I’m sure that whatever those mysteries are, it will be an exciting book worth reading, rereading and maybe even reading again. Then again, don’t quote me on that.

My Psychiatrist…

My psychiatrist says that he cannot make a complete diagnosis until
he has examines my apartment. He is presently meeting with my goldfish.

In My Travels…

I bought a road map of Oklahoma and immediately spotted a problem.
There were no roads leading in or out of the state.

The Upcoming Election…

I wonder if Siamese twins get to vote twice.

Monday Morning Reflection…

My Dad loves his hobbies.
Besides building model planes, he overthrows foreign governments.

The Children of Quasimodo

A Play in 3 (very short) Acts

Act One

TV HOST: I would like to welcome you to another edition of “The Children of Quasimodo” where each week we gather together a group of 5 people and turn them loose on each other for your entertainment. We call our first guest “Thing” because he refuses to speak and will only communicate using air fresheners. The 2nd guest is Ms. Crabtree, a lottery winner. Next is a young man, Jack, who believes that he is the only human on earth. After him is Alice, and she is an aspiring can opener. Our final person is Mr. O’Malley, an Italian chef. Ms. Crabtree will begin…

MS. CRABTREE: As you know I’ve been thinking about what to do with all my lottery money.

MR. O’MALLEY: I hear that Victor Buono has the secret to the universe and he’s willing to sell it for a sure-fire diet plan.

Act Two

THING; (He’s spraying air fresheners to communicate)

JACK: Anyone speak “air freshener”?

ALICE: He’s saying….”To be or not to be. That is the question.” I guess he’s quoting Shakespeare.

MR. O’MALLEY: You got that from an air freshener?

Act Three

TV HOST; Now, I would like to end today’s show by announcing the winner of our “Grand Prize”.  And this week’s winner is…. “Jack!”

JACK: Alright!

ALICE: I’ll open all your cans for you!

MS. CRABTREE; So tell us what it is?

TV HOST; Jack, you’ve won a lifetime supply of shampoo!

JACK: That’s it?

TV HOST:  A billion hotel-sized bottles of shampoo are being sent to your house as we speak!

JACK: I will make it my mission to wash the hair of every Chihuahua on Earth!

TV HOST: Don’t bother me with your problems. (Turning to the audience) Goodnight folks! See ya next week.

The End