Plato

“Plato was quoted saying ‘Questioning people on their deathbed
only leaves us with many unanswered questions, or the
sudden realization that now we can never collect the money owed us.’”

From my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries.

Excerpt from my Book “Answers….”

7:30 PM

I arrived at the haunted house with an overnight bag. My suitcase contained several crucifixes, multiple bottles of Holy Water and the phone number and address of every Catholic Church within ten miles. (I admit that I was apprehensive.) The home’s appearance did nothing to allay my fears. One could imagine a Hollywood set designer building this house with a horror movie in mind. It was three stories tall with multiple gables. The sight of it could cause a non-believer to become a believer. For a moment I considered turning around and fleeing. Nevertheless, I had a story to tell and knocked on the front door. The homeowners opened the door and could see that I was nervous. They reassured me that everything would be fine. I entered the home.

From the chapter titled –  “Ghosts, Reincarnation & Life after Death” – in my new book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries.

Unexpected News…

My wife told me that she’s been seeing another man.
I told her that I’ve been seeing him too.

TV

Television is a vast wasteland of rotten,
violent, titillating garbage and I thank God for it.

My Telescope

I’ve never understood the desire
to use a telescope to study the heavens.
I use mine to study my neighbors.

Career

When I met with my high school guidance counselor,
she asked me what I wanted to be.
I said “veterinarian”. She thought I said “vegetarian”.
I suddenly found myself working on a farm.

End of the Road

Slogan for Funeral Parlor

“Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
So Be Happy
Die With Us”

Blind Date

I found out some disturbing news recently.
My mother told me that I have a twin brother that I’ve never met.
I also found out that he likes to dress up as a woman.
And, without my knowing it, I’ve been dating him.

Door-to-Door

I hate door-to-door salesmen.
I have 50 “No Solicitation” signs
in 50 languages outside my door.
Yesterday, there was a knock on my door.
Apparently I need one more – in Braille.