Getting Married…

I knew from the start that my marriage would be different.
My wife wanted separate apartments.

Thanks Dad…

My dad bought me my first car.
Actually he just gave me a tire.
I had to supply the rest.

Life’s Choices

When I was younger, I wanted to be a priest.
My older brother wanted to be a nun.
I changed my mind.
My brother didn’t.

Answers…Free Download Today!

(there are no) Answers to the Mysteries

My book is available as a free download today (7-20-15) –
(there are no) Answers to the Mysteries – on Amazon.

“While on an archeological expedition in Egypt, Dr. Salmon discovered the ancient tomb of King Itacher, the only King never preserved as a mummy but was instead ‘freeze-dried’. Instructions written on the side of the sarcophagus declared that with the addition of 5 gallons of water, King Itacher would come back to life.”
“(there are no) Answers to the Mysteries” explores a variety of phenomena – Ghosts, UFOs, Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle, Life after Death, Reincarnation and Atlantis the Lost Continent. Are Aliens visiting us? Is Reincarnation real? Where is Atlantis today? Is Bigfoot alive and well?
The riveting narrative contains interviews with ghosts and scientists, farmers and college professors, people who have had contact with Bigfoot and the reincarnated. There is the story of a man who claims to be a descendent from Atlantis. Other excerpts include passages from the diary of a man who spent the night in a haunted house and another from the diary of a ghost trapped in a prison cell. Many strange stories are told but there are no clear answers.
The title of the book is “Answers to the Mysteries”, but please note the three words in parentheses “there are no”. The search for the answers continues amid the many interesting stories told. Who knows, maybe someday, someone will provide the answers that have eluded all of us.
Perhaps the biggest mystery to unravel is, “Why do dolphins have an easier time pronouncing the word “hullabaloo” than people?

Election Day…Free Download

Kindle, Novel, Amazon, Ebook, Election Day

Election Day for President of the United States

This is the story of Harry Keaton – a candidate for the Presidency of the United States. It is Election Day and Harry is the overwhelming favorite to win! What could possibly go wrong? Well, on the day before the election, Harry had a few drinks and does something that could not only cost him the election but also put him behind bars. On Election Day morning he discovers what he has done and, with the help of his campaign manager, his Vice-Presidential running mate, two Secret Service agents and his wife, he attempts to cover up what becomes known as “the incident”. And he only has about 16 hours to succeed.

Free download of my ebook Humor Novel on Amazon today (7-16-15).
If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download the app for your computer or tablet.

El Chapo Escapes!

El Chapo, Mexican, Drug Lord

The Mexican government explained how El Chapo escaped.

5 Pumpkins & a Head

He knocked on the front door to pick up his date.
The girl’s father answered.
“You dare try and seduce my daughter you Chinese filth!” he screamed, pointing a gun at him.
“No, sir, no. It’s nothing like that,” he said. “We’re just going to the mall. Please sir, I mean no harm. And I’m not Chinese.” He backed away from the old man.
“Don’t you talk to me you French scum! You want to get my daughter drunk so you can take advantage of her!” He fired some shots into the air.
“I wasn’t going to do any such thing,” he pleaded. “I wasn’t going to lay a hand on your daughter. Now please put down that gun. Somebody might get hurt. And I’m also not French.”
“You Italian degenerate! You expect me to believe that? You come to my home to get my daughter and you’re not going to try anything? Do you think I’m an idiot?” he screamed, shooting the gun off several more times.
“No sir, you’re not an idiot. Just mistaken. Like when you called me an Italian. I’m not.”
“You’re a Polish rapist and I’m going to kill you!” He fired the gun directly at him.
“I’m not Polish!” he shouted, jumping behind a tree.
“I intend to make an example of your death to all Japanese garbage. You can’t expect to lay a hand on my daughter and get away with it.”
“And I’m not Japanese either!”
“So you’re from Argentina?”

The Chapter 2 opening in my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.

Answers to the Mysteries

“Late in the evening in Arkansas, David Atkins was abducted by a UFO. He claimed that he was taken to the alien’s home world where archeologists were excavating and made a discovery. They found an object that resembled the Earth’s toilet. One of the aliens accidentally flushed it. Well, it was still in working order and it was also clogged, so it backed up and overflowed. And it continued overflowing for days. All work at the archaeology site ground to a halt. The aliens, not knowing what to do, traveled to the Earth to find a plumber. Upon reaching the planet they located Mr. Atkins. He owned a plumbing business.
Returning to the archaeology site, Mr. Atkins surveyed the damage. Since he didn’t have his tools with him, he drew a diagram for the aliens to show what he needed to make the repair. The aliens sent the diagram to a factory and 2 weeks later Mr. Atkins received the tool – a plunger. Immediately he went to work and the toilet was fixed.”

From my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries.

5 Pumpkins & a Head

Everything was in a fog. He wasn’t sure of where he was. Then he saw a house. It looked like the home of Mr. Sawyer. Mr. Sawyer was a ninety-year-old man who still lived at home with his mother.
He continued walking, hoping the fog would clear. Then he saw the girl.
“Why did you leave me?” he asked.
She walked by him, ignoring him.
He repeated his question.
“Why did you leave me?”
She stopped, turned around and looked at him.
“Why did you leave me?” he asked, again.
She turned back around and continued walking.
“What did I do?” he shouted.
She stopped again, turned around and marched back to him.
“You want to know what you did?” she said, angrily.
He nodded hesitantly. Her sudden reaction caught him off guard.
“You eat all the yogurt without offering me any. You make plans to do things without asking my opinion. You tell me who to vote for. You brush your teeth with a stalk of celery. You’re a weirdo!” she said, in a very loud voice.
“If that’s all-,” he replied.
“That’s all?” she interrupted. “You think that’s all?”
“No?”
“No is right! There’s a ton more. Everyday you would drive me crazy with another one of your annoying habits,” she said.
“I can change.”
“There’s more of a chance of me teaching a dog to speak English then there is of you changing,” she said, moving her nose within an inch of his. “You would come to my job and ask me what laundry detergent to use.”
“I just wanted to get the clothes clean.”
“I’m a court reporter. You don’t interrupt a court reporter when they’re in the middle of a murder trial to ask how to get a blood stain out of your shirt!”
“I guess it might have been the wrong time to ask,” he said.
“You guess?” she replied. “And you wonder why I left you?”
“Please,” he said, begging. ”I can change.”
“No, you can’t.” She turned away and started walking again.
“Please!” he called after her. “Give me a chance.”
She stopped again, turned around and walked back to him.
“Remember my last birthday?” she asked, with an angry smile.
“Yes,” he replied, looking at the ground.
“What did I want?”
“To go to-,” he mumbled.
“Speak up! I can’t hear you,” she said, starring into his eyes.
“To go to a restaurant.”
“What kind of restaurant?”
“A Chinese restaurant.”
“And what happened?”
“It didn’t work out,” he answered, his voice fading as he spoke.
“You managed to find the worst Chinese restaurant in the world! It was my 21st birthday. It should have been a special day. But you couldn’t make a little effort to find a good, no, a great Chinese restaurant for my special day. Don’t you think that I deserved it?” she asked.
“Yes, you did,” he said, still looking at the ground.
“You remember what happened, don’t you?”
“Of course.”
“I wanted roast duck.”
He nodded.
“And did I get a roast duck?” she asked.
“Well, yea…” he answered, cringing.
“Oh, I guess I did,” she replied, sarcastically. “But what was wrong with the roast duck?”
He mumbled again.
“I can’t hear you!” she shouted.
“It was still alive,” he said.
“Yes, it was still alive. They forgot to cook a whole duck. How? How can they do that? The damn thing was lying there quacking its fool head off. It’s impossible not to notice that. But they did. Why? Because you were lazy and just went anywhere. You didn’t care to find a special restaurant for my 21st birthday.”
She turned and walked away. He watched her vanish in the fog.

The opening to my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.