It’s a Holdup!

“Do you have a gun?” she asked.
“Do I have a gun? Why do I need a gun?” he said.
“Because you do.”
“I can’t rob a bank without a gun?”
“Not the one we’re going to,” she said.
“They won’t give me any money if I don’t have a gun?” he asked.
“That’s right.”
“You mean that I have to have a gun in order to rob that bank?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I got a knife.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “And it’s only a penknife anyway.”
“It looks threatening.”
“You need a gun.”
“How do you know that?” he asked.
“It’s in the employee handbook. I had a friend who worked there and she told me.”
“How about my note. Is it good?”
“Let me read it,” she said.
He handed it to her.
“This is not good.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Holdup is spelled wrong. Money is too. Didn’t you spell-check this?”
“No, I didn’t think it was necessary.”
She shook her head in disbelief.
“Forget the note then!”
“You can’t forget it. You need the note.”
“Why? I’ll just tell them that it’s a holdup,” he said.
“It’s in the employee handbook too.”
“Do you have a copy of the handbook?”
“Yes,” she said, handing it to him.
He did a quick read through the chapter on robberies.
“It doesn’t say anything here about needing a gun.”
“On page 57 it says-“
“The perpetrator must have a weapon,” he said, interrupting her.
“That’s right,” she nodded her head in agreement.
“It doesn’t say gun.”
“Not specifically, but my friend at the bank says that’s how the employees interpret that. That the robber has to have a gun.”
“And the requirement of a note isn’t even mentioned,” he said.
“Yes it does. At the top of page 59 it says,” taking the book from him and reading, “’a note produced by a computer printer is preferable over a hand written one when demands are made.’”
“And further down the page,” he said, grabbing the book back and reading, “’if no note is provided, verbal instructions are acceptable.’”
“I’m telling you, they won’t give you any money without a gun and a note. And the note can’t have any spelling errors. It would also help if you provided them with a resume.”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“The resume should list your past robberies, how much you made, what you accomplished, etc. And don’t forget to include references and people to contact in the event of an emergency.”
“Why can’t we just rob a different bank?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re expecting us,” she said.
“I’m confused. It’s a robbery. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
“That’s why I picked this place. They’re very accommodating. They scheduled us for a 2 o’clock robbery.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. I called and asked.”
“When you could rob the place?” he said.
“Yes, and they were nice enough to give us a timeslot on a busy day and you can’t even follow the rules in the employee handbook and have a gun and a properly written note.”
“This has gotta be a dream.”

The Chapter 9 opening in my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.

Love Letters…

I bought my dog a pen & pencil set for Christmas.
Now he’s writing love letters to my wife.

Answers to the Mysteries…

UFOs – Are they the imagination of many? Or are they for real. If they do exist, are they a menace? Or are they peaceful? Are they Jewish? Or are they Gentile? Are they employed? Or have they come looking for a job? These questions and many more must be answered if we’re to know the full story behind these visitors from outer space.

In light of recent evidence, we have a new awareness that the “aliens” have aided us down through the centuries. The ancient Chinese remember them as the “Bringer of Detergent” giving rise to a future chain of hand laundries throughout the world. The aliens gave the Vikings deodorant and thus doubled their life expectancy. The Egyptians received the world’s first daily newspaper from them, the “Pyramid Gazette”, which also inspired them to build the pyramids. And the aliens introduced “Kool-Aid” to the Arabs to help them beat the heat.

Then we have the stories told by people who have come into contact with the aliens. Here is one account…
Late in the evening in 1960 in Arkansas, Bobby and his Mom were abducted by a UFO. They claim that they were taken to the alien’s home-world and were fed knockwurst and sauerkraut for lunch. Upon finishing they were told why they had been abducted. Alien archeologists were excavating and had made a discovery – an object that resembled the Earth’s toilet. Then one of the aliens accidentally flushed it. Well, it was still in working order and it was also clogged, so it backed up and overflowed. And it continued overflowing for days. All work at the archaeology site ground to a halt. The aliens, not knowing what to do, decided to travel to Earth to find a plumber. Upon reaching Earth and searching through the phone book, they settled on little Bobby and his Mom. (They ran a small plumbing business.)

Back at the archaeology site, Bobby and his Mom quickly sized up the situation and what they would require. Since they didn’t have their tools with them, they drew a sketch for the aliens of what they needed. The aliens sent the design off to their factory and 2 weeks later Bobby and his Mom received the tool – a plunger.

Immediately they went to work and the toilet was fixed. Bobby and his Mom became instant celebrities on the alien planet. They were awarded a year’s supply of knockwurst and sauerkraut, made guest appearances on TV shows and cut-the-ribbon on a plumbing school built and named in their honor. (Bobby and his Mom oversaw the curriculum for the school.)

After a period of time, they were returned to Earth and told their story. Naturally no one believed them. They were shunned by their community, had to close their plumbing business and move away. It was about 40 years later, Bobby was living in Montana, his mother had since died, that local residents thought maybe the story was true. On one night, a group of fisherman spotted a UFO landing on Bobby’s property. One of the alien’s knocked on Bobby’s door, he answered and spoke to alien. Bobby went back into his house, and then came back out with a plunger in hand, entered the UFO, then came back out a few minutes later. The aliens shook hands with Bobby, got back in their UFO and then flew away. Maybe it was true after all.

My book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries is available today and tomorrow (9/25 – 9/26) as a FREE DOWNLOAD on Amazon.

Election Day…Free Download

Kindle, Novel, Amazon, Ebook, Election Day

Election Day for President of the United States

This is the story of Harry Keaton – a candidate for the Presidency of the United States. It is Election Day and Harry is the overwhelming favorite to win! What could possibly go wrong? Well, on the day before the election, Harry had a few drinks and does something that could not only cost him the election but also put him behind bars. On Election Day morning he discovers what he has done and, with the help of his campaign manager, his Vice-Presidential running mate, two Secret Service agents and his wife, he attempts to cover up what becomes known as “the incident”. And he only has about 16 hours to succeed.

Free download of my ebook Humor Novel on Amazon today (9-24-15).
If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download the app for your computer or tablet.

“My dog died,” she said.

“My dog died,” she said.
“No!” he replied. “You loved that animal. How long did you have him?”
“About 15 years.”
“What will you do? Bury him in the backyard?”
“No. In a pet cemetery.”
“That’s nice,” he said.
“But I ran into problems.”
“Oh?”
“It started at the wake.”
“What happened?”
“I lit some candles and had a CD playing his favorite song, Elvis singing ‘Hound Dog’.”
“Who attended?”
“There must’ve been about 20 cats and dogs and a bunch of parakeets there. I tried training one parakeet to deliver the eulogy. My dog loved birds and I thought it would’ve been nice but the bird just kept saying, ‘You’re going to hell! You’re going to hell!’ It belonged to a minister.
“The next day I called the pet cemetery and made arrangements for burial but the place couldn’t accept delivery for 2 days. In the meantime, I wrapped my dog in aluminum foil and put him in the freezer. However, I forgot to tell my Mom.”
“That doesn’t sound good.”
“No, it wasn’t. She reached into the freezer and pulled him out thinking it was a steak all ready for the oven. Two hours later he was cooked. Luckily I stopped my Mom before she took a bite.”
“I agree.”
“So I decided to put my dog in a safety deposit box in a bank. When Friday came and it was time to take him to the cemetery, I went to the bank to discover that the IRS had a court order to open up box 163 but mistakenly opened up 164, which was mine. Well, they were pretty surprised to find a cooked dog inside.
“The bank employees disposed of my dog by putting him into a trash compactor. I explained the situation and he was returned, but not before he had been squeezed down to half his former size.
“So I took my dog, put him in a bag, and returned to my car. When I got there a thief robbed me at gunpoint taking my wallet and the bag. I tried telling the thief that there was nothing but a dead dog inside but he didn’t believe me and took it anyway.
“After I got home the police called and said they got the thief and I could pickup my stuff. I rushed over, grabbed the bag with my dog and headed to the pet cemetery.
“The man at the cemetery asked me a lot of questions why the dog was cooked, compacted and wrapped in foil and I explained.”
“What did he say?”
“Nothing. Just gave me a look.”
“And the burial?” he asked.
“It was arranged for Sunday so I went home happy. However, on Saturday, I got a call from the manager of the cemetery. They had made a mistake and cremated my dog, but the mistake was discovered in time so only half the dog was cremated.
“When Sunday arrived, I was getting ready to leave for the burial service and I got another call from the manager. This time he said my dog had somehow got mixed in with some paper documents that were headed for an industrial shredder and, well, my dog had been shredded. At that point, I was in tears.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” he asked.
“I didn’t want to bother you.”
“Did they finally bury the dog?” she asked.
“Yes, in pieces. I never made it to the service. I was too grief stricken.”

The Chapter 7 opening in my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.

Everything was in a fog…

Everything was in a fog. He wasn’t sure of where he was. Then he saw a house. It looked like the home of Mr. Sawyer. Mr. Sawyer was a ninety-year-old man who still lived at home with his mother.
He continued walking, hoping the fog would clear. Then he saw the girl.
“Why did you leave me?” he asked.
She walked by him, ignoring him.
He repeated his question.
“Why did you leave me?”
She stopped, turned around and looked at him.
“Why did you leave me?” he asked, again.
She turned back around and continued walking.
“What did I do?” he shouted.
She stopped again, turned around and marched back to him.
“You want to know what you did?” she said, angrily.
He nodded hesitantly. Her sudden reaction caught him off guard.
“You eat all the yogurt without offering me any. You make plans to do things without asking my opinion. You tell me who to vote for. You brush your teeth with a stalk of celery. You’re a weirdo!” she said, in a very loud voice.
“If that’s all-,” he replied.
“That’s all?” she interrupted. “You think that’s all?”
“No?”
“No is right! There’s a ton more. Everyday you would drive me crazy with another one of your annoying habits,” she said.
“I can change.”
“There’s more of a chance of me teaching a dog to speak English then there is of you changing,” she said, moving her nose within an inch of his. “You would come to my job and ask me what laundry detergent to use.”
“I just wanted to get the clothes clean.”
“I’m a court reporter. You don’t interrupt a court reporter when they’re in the middle of a murder trial to ask how to get a blood stain out of your shirt!”
“I guess it might have been the wrong time to ask,” he said.
“You guess?” she replied. “And you wonder why I left you?”
“Please,” he said, begging. ”I can change.”
“No, you can’t.” She turned away and started walking again.
“Please!” he called after her. “Give me a chance.”
She stopped again, turned around and walked back to him.
“Remember my last birthday?” she asked, with an angry smile.
“Yes,” he replied, looking at the ground.
“What did I want?”
“To go to-,” he mumbled.
“Speak up! I can’t hear you,” she said, starring into his eyes.
“To go to a restaurant.”
“What kind of restaurant?”
“A Chinese restaurant.”
“And what happened?”
“It didn’t work out,” he answered, his voice fading as he spoke.
“You managed to find the worst Chinese restaurant in the world! It was my 21st birthday. It should have been a special day. But you couldn’t make a little effort to find a good, no, a great Chinese restaurant for my special day. Don’t you think that I deserved it?” she asked.
“Yes, you did,” he said, still looking at the ground.
“You remember what happened, don’t you?”
“Of course.”
“I wanted roast duck.”
He nodded.
“And did I get a roast duck?” she asked.
“Well, yea…” he answered, cringing.
“Oh, I guess I did,” she replied, sarcastically. “But what was wrong with the roast duck?”
He mumbled again.
“I can’t hear you!” she shouted.
“It was still alive,” he said.
“Yes, it was still alive. They forgot to cook a whole duck. How? How can they do that? The damn thing was lying there quacking its fool head off. It’s impossible not to notice that. But they did. Why? Because you were lazy and just went anywhere. You didn’t care to find a special restaurant for my 21st birthday.”
She turned and walked away. He watched her vanish in the fog.

The opening to my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.

Returning home….

I returned from vacation a disappointed man. I left my 90 year old mother with instructions to fix my car and found her still working on the transmission. My spirits needed uplifting. Someone handed me a brochure of adult education lectures. This was my answer.

My first choice was “Yoga” but I arrived to class to find everyone making “Yogurt”. Obviously a typo. Next on the list was “Vegetarianism – How to Recognize a Vegetable When You See One”. I was tossed out of the class when I got into a brawl with the teacher when I told him that broccoli wasn’t a vegetable but a small tree.

As I procrastinated making a another choice, friends spoke highly of the lectures they attended. One friend happily discovered at the “Right Brain/Left Brain” lecture that he had both halves.

Wednesday passed with still no decision. However I did notice a growth on my foot and scratched “Modern Dance” off the list.

I scanned the brochure one last time. One lecture jumped out at me, “Alcohol and Drug Abuse – How to Get Started”. I wanted to do this with my Dad, but he wasn’t interested.

The series of lectures were coming to an end and I still hadn’t found something. Then I spotted the perfect one, “How to Fix Your Transmission”. Perfect! My Mom could finally get the job done.

UFOs & Aliens

A few facts about UFOs and Aliens:

1) The aliens gave the Vikings deodorant and thus doubled their life expectancy.
2) The Chinese reported contact with the aliens 3000 years ago when they were known as the “Bringers of Detergent”.
3) The aliens didn’t help the Egyptians just build the pyramids. They also introduced the “chiropractor” to ease the pain during the construction.
4) Vincent van Gogh invented the world’s first paint-by-number sets with help from the aliens.

From my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries

Separated at Birth

Separateed-at-Birth-B

My Son & Will Wheaton from Star Trek.

Fine Dining…

dinner plate

….at a trendy, avante-garde, restaurant.
The special for the evening was a 1/2 inch cheese cube.

The taste was light, but filling.
There were subtle hints of lilac and rose petals.

The chef took a bow to thunderous applause.
Later in the evening he was spotted at McDonald’s.
The invited guests for the evening went to Burger King.