Good Morning…..Day 20

It’s time to go on a diet. And it’s time to start exercising. So I’ve combined the two – eating while performing isometrics (the science of muscle resistance). As each spoonful of food approaches my mouth, my empty hand pushes against the one with the food. Early results show good weight loss and buildup of arm strength.
I was at a diner for breakfast today and my waitress watched and wondered what I was doing. When I explained my diet and exercise plan, she got the rest of her co-workers to help. At one point, I had a slice of bacon within inches of my mouth while 5 waitresses helped me push back.
I left a big tip. I also left very hungry.

Good Morning…..Day 19

I decided to relax in my rocking chair. Actually it’s not really a rocking chair, it’s my kitchen sink, but I like sitting in it and rocking. It’s a great sink, but I wanted to buy something new so I knocked on my neighbors’ doors and asked if I could sit in their sink to find something new. Everyone was happy to let me. In fact, we’ve decided to start a club – “The Sink Rockers”. We’re all going to Home Depot to buy a sink and get together once a month. I volunteered to host our first party.
Now I’m thinking of starting a dating service for people like me. People who like rocking in their sink. My neighbors think it’s a great idea.

Good Morning…..Day 18

I found my dog sitting at my computer today. He was emailing love letters to my wife.
I’m the one who feeds him. He should be writing them to me.

Life imitates Art

Kindle, Novel, Amazon, Ebook, Election Day

Everyone is aware of Hillary Clinton and her email problems. Now I read this headline (click the link to read)…

“Could President Hillary Pardon Herself?”

Let the world know – I thought of it FIRST! in my novel (nothing to do with Hillary and please notice the last sentence in the description on Amazon…) –

Election Day for President of the United States

This is the story of Harry Keaton – a candidate for the Presidency of the United States. It is Election Day and Harry is the overwhelming favorite to win! What could possibly go wrong? Well, on the day before the election, Harry had a few drinks and does something that could not only cost him the election but also put him behind bars. On Election Day morning he discovers what he has done and, with the help of his campaign manager, his Vice-Presidential running mate, two Secret Service agents and his wife, he attempts to cover up what becomes known as “the incident”. And he only has about 16 hours to succeed. (A fictional story meant to be humorous but might come true one day.)

Good Morning…..Day 17

My mother called today to complain. (So what else is new?) She says that I don’t like her cooking but that isn’t true. I’m afraid of it. A nearby hospital is using it to cure cancer and the government says that it’s causing global warming. So I’m left wondering, just what is in those spaghetti and meatballs?

Good Morning…..Day 16

I hate door-to-door salesmen. I have 50 “No Solicitation” signs in 50 languages outside my door. Today, there was a knock on my door. Apparently I need one more – in Braille.

Good Morning…..Day 15

I awoke today feeling depressed. My wife left me recently. She said it was because I slept on a mattress covered in granola bars. I was confused. I took them out of the wrappers.

Good Morning…..Day 14

I received a call from the British Embassy. They were confirming my meeting with Queen Elizabeth. I replied that they had confused me with someone else. They insisted that I must meet the Queen as the arrangements have been made and I would be insulting her, Great Britain and all its citizens if I declined. They said a limo had been sent to take me to the airport, I would be flying first class, put up at a fancy hotel and then I would meet Her Royal Majesty. Realizing that their mistake had provided me with a free vacation, I said, “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”
The ride to the airport, the flight, the hotel, everything was fantastic! Then came time to meet the Queen. I arrived early, waiting in the lobby of Buckingham Palace. Eventually she appeared, walked over, and asked me how the trip went.
“Wonderful, I replied.
“Oh, before I forget, here’s your change.” She handed me some British coins. She noticed the puzzled look on my face. “When you were in London last month, they overcharged when you visited the Tower of London. Now you have the correct change.” Upon finishing her sentence, she turned and walked away.
I counted the changed. She came up short. I kept my mouth shut hoping there would be another trip when she realized her mistake.

Good Morning…..Day 13

The mailman delivered my mail to a family on the other side of town. He said that the post office has implemented a plan to encourage exercise amongst the public. I asked the family if I could move in with them. They said yes.

Good Morning…..Day 12

A stranger on the street called me Walt. I assumed that I looked like a friend of his. As I continued walking, several more people called me Walt. I got nervous when a crowd of people gathered around me, all of them calling me Walt and requesting my autograph. I hurried away with one woman asking, “Why are you leaving Mr. Disney?” I turned around and replied, “What did you say?”
“You’re Walt Disney, aren’t you?” she replied.
“Walt Disney?” Another person shouted. “He’s not Walt Disney. He’s Walt Chamberlain!”
“Walt Chamberlain?” I said, shocked. “You know that he’s not a white guy.”
“I’m color blind,” said the guy.
I fled from this crowd of insane people into a small coffee shop.
“Good morning Mr. President,” said the guy behind the counter. “Do you want coffee for your secret service men too?”
I knew this wasn’t going to be my day.