Good Morning…..Day 38

I had an argument with a friend about the virtues of celery over carrots. The discussion began pleasantly with me kidding him, “How can you possibly like carrots?” Then he countered “But you love eating celery? The name sounds like a household cleaning product.”
Our polite ribbing slowly escalated as we ventured out of my house and headed into town.
“But carrots,” I said, “they remind me of toothpicks. Just larger and orange.”
“Actually celery does have a positive quality,” he responded. “It has all those stringy fibers that can be used as dental floss.”
At this point I lost control and pushed him into a park bench we were walking by. He hit the bench and fell to the ground.
“You looked tired,” I said. “I thought you should sit.”
He gave me a dirty look as he lay in the dirt.
“Sorry you missed the bench,” I said, smiling.
He jumped back to his feet and I started running. He hurled insults at celery and I called carrots obscene names.
My friend, ex-friend at this point, narrowly missed punching me when I ducked and hopped on a bus. The door quickly closed behind me and he shouted, “I’ll get you.”
I told the bus driver not to worry and please drive.
I noticed that the ex-friend carrot lover hopped on the bus directly behind mine and now he was following me. As my bus turned a corner and his bus didn’t, I saw that he commandeered his bus and was now chasing mine. I pointed that out to my driver and he ignored me so I only had one option. I commandeered my bus.
We raced down the streets, hitting cars and scaring pedestrians.
Surprisingly when my bus driver wanted an explanation for my actions, and I told him why, he said he hated carrots too. In fact, all the passengers on my bus supported me.
“If you stop our bus,” one guy said, “and we got out, that idiot carrot-lover will stop his bus and get out. Then we can kick the crap outta him!”
Everyone on the bus, including the driver, shouted, “Let’s do it!!”
So that’s what I did, and we fought in the street and now I’m sitting in a jail cell waiting for my wife to come bail me out.
I didn’t tell her the reason why I was arrested though, because she’s also a carrot lover and would leave me here to rot.

Good Morning…..Day 34

I fell asleep on the subway in New York and woke up on a park bench in San Francisco. I went to the police looking for an explanation. They informed me that while I was sleeping, I traveled to JFK airport, hopped a plane to Las Vegas, went to a casino and gambled $1K at the poker table, took in a show, then traveled to the Hollywood and met with Steven Spielberg to talk about my movie script, finally renting a car and driving to San Francisco where I ended up on the bench. The police asked me if I’d like to see a psychiatrist for help. I said no. I had $10K in my pocket from the casino and a signed movie contract from Spielberg. He bought my script for $175K. I thanked the police and returned to the park bench. Time to go back to sleep.

Good Morning…..Day 33

I went camping in the woods last night. It was fun sitting around a campfire roasting hot dogs and marshmallows with my wife. Unfortunately we had some unwanted attention from the family in the neighboring campsite because I was wearing a tuxedo and my wife wore an original Versace. They complained to the park police that we were overdressed. When the officers came to investigate they issued the family a citation for disorderly conduct and were evicted from the campground for wearing flannel shirts. The male officer was also wearing a tuxedo and his female companion sported a Valentino dress.
“It says on the ticket,” said the male officer, “this campsite has a strict dress code. Flannel shirts are only to be used to start campfires!”

Good Morning…..Day 30

I wanted to go mountain climbing. Trouble is, I can barely climb stairs without getting tired. I put an ad in the paper asking for someone to carry me up a mountain, but no one responded. Then it hit me – go skydiving. Fly over the mountain, jump out, land on it, hide the parachute and tell everyone I climbed it. That’s exactly what I did. Unfortunately I forgot one thing – I had to climb down the mountain. Now I’m stuck here. I called the post office and asked if they’d forward my mail.

Good Morning…..Day 27

I bought a new pair of shoes. While trying them on, the salesman informed me that, besides wearing them on your feet, they make excellent earmuffs. The store sold a Velcro band that attached to the shoes so they would rest comfortably on your head. I thought it was a great idea so I bought an extra pair for my wife with the Velcro band. I know she’ll look fantastic in her high heel earmuffs!

Good Morning…..Day 26

I left a hand-written note for my brother with his wife. He’s a travel agent. My destination – Ireland! He set up the trip and handed me my tickets. Off I went!
After arriving, things got very confusing. I asked for directions to the Blarney Stone and wound up in some place called Boroeyi. When I asked people in the town where the Stone was, no one knew what the heck I was talking about.
Frustrated, I got back on the road and off in the distance I see a volcano. That’s right! A volcano! Since when does Ireland have a volcano?!
No matter where I went very few people spoke English. I wondered, has Ireland changed their language and no one told me?
Not wanting to ask for directions again, I set the GPS in the rental car for Killarney National Park. I wound up in some place called Snaefellsnes National Park. Is that how the Irish spell Killarney?
Finally I called my brother, described what I’ve experienced and asked what the hell happened to Ireland.
“Ireland?” he says.
“Yea, you know, Ireland. Where you sent me.”
“I sent you to Iceland.”
Unfortunately my handwriting isn’t very good and he thought I wrote the letter “C” when I actually wrote “R”.

Good Morning…..Day 25

I went food shopping today. The store manager greeted me saying, “We have a special today on oranges!” I smiled and continued walking.
“You don’t like oranges?” he asked.
“I don’t eat round food,” I said.
He broadcast a very puzzled expression. “You don’t eat round food? I don’t understand.”
I stopped walking, turned and looked at him. “No, I don’t eat anything that is round.”
“No apples?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“No cabbage?”
I shook my head again.
“What about potatoes?”
“I only eat the oval ones,” I said. “Not the round ones.”
“But why?” pleaded the store manager. “What’s wrong with round food?”
“I don’t eat anything that’s shaped like the Earth.”
“Because the earth is round!” he whispered. “It’s wrong to eat anything that is in the shape of our planet.”
I smiled. I could see that he understood.
“Thank you,” he said. He closed the store, gathered his employees and eliminated all the round food in the store.
My dream is to live in a round-free world.

Good Morning…..Day 23

I fell this morning breaking my arm so I rushed to the hospital. After the ER doctor examined me, he said my arm was fine but I had broken my leg. I said that I just walked on it, that it felt fine and it was my arm that was broken. Another doctor came over, she examined me and said both my arm and leg were fine, but I had sprained my ankle. The doctors got into a heated argument and started fighting. The cops were called. One of the cops also was a paramedic and he said that I wasn’t injured but I needed glasses.
I walked out of the ER to the nearest bakery where the owner wrapped some croissants around my arm. Finally, I got some help.