My wife and I went to a costume party last night. I dressed as a pirate. She was a giant rubber band. After the party some punks grabbed her while we walked home, wrapped her around a tree and sent her flying into the next state.
I called the police and while I waited for them to arrive, she came flying back. Apparently she landed in the group of churchgoing people who thought God had sent her. When they realized it wasn’t God, they sent her back.
I thought about being a farmer. A small plot of land and growing a few vegetables. My wife suggested that I think bigger.
“You mean grow fruit?”
“Bigger!” she emphasized.
“What are you suggesting?”
“What do you have at night?”
I enjoy a beer and some pretzels.
“And where do you think the beer and pretzels come from?” she asked.
“From the store,” I said.
“I’m talking before it gets to a store.”
She spotted the confusion in my eyes.
“They come from a farm!” Her eyes lit up!
“Farmers grow beer and pretzels?” I asked.
“YES!” She tossed her hands up in victory. “Finally you understand!”
“I’m not sure about that,” I replied.
“Well, it’s usually a couple of farmers. One grows the pretzels and another grows the beer.”
“And the beer is already in a can?”
She gave me that “Are you an idiot?” look.
“Of course the beer is already in a can,” she said.
“But I’ve gotten beer in bottles.”
“That’s how they grow it in Australia.”
I’ve got a lot to learn.
I got a call from an old girlfriend today. We dated when she worked in a circus as a performer. She would swallow flashlight batteries, coughing them up at the speed of a bullet knocking out elephants. No longer with the circus, she wants a job in law enforcement as a police officer. She figures that she can use her “talent” stopping crooks without firing a gun. She wanted me as a character reference.
I had a confusing morning. My wife spoke to me but I didn’t understand a word she was saying. My eyeglasses went missing and everything looked blurry. Then a man walked out of my bedroom and started talking to me. I also couldn’t understand him. Finally there was a knock on the door. My wife answered it and, standing in the doorway, was my real wife.
“Honey,” she called.
I was even more confused.
“You did it again,” she said. “You went home to the wrong apartment.”
“I didn’t understand a word they said.”
“They’re talking in Italian.”
“How come they didn’t complain when I got into bed with them?”
My wife shrugged.
I left, thanking them for their hospitality. The Italian woman gave me a loaf of bread as a parting gift.
I visited a museum today to see the Egyptian exhibition and I was shocked. There were plenty of artifacts on display but they were all damaged! A sarcophagus, several statues, various stone sculptures (big and small) – all of it was chipped or badly cracked! One statue was missing an arm! I asked a security guard if a vandal had broken in and smashed everything. He said no, that the artifacts were thousands of years old and had been damaged over time. I said that when I go see a movie about ancient Egypt, everything in the movie is in perfect shape so giving me the “it’s all old” excuse is NO excuse. I paid money to see broken stuff. I left very angry.
I awoke this morning realizing that I didn’t know what day it was. With everything I’ve been doing, I had lost track. Frustrated I switched on the TV looking for the answer. Only one channel worked and it was a guy speaking Russian. I turned on my computer. A virus had corrupted it and it was saying, “I love you”. (Also in Russian.) I tried my radio. Everything was in Swedish. Finally I looked at my dog. He could tell that I was upset. He ran into my bedroom and dragged out a dirty pair of pants and plopped it in from of me.
“That’s it!” I shouted. “It’s laundry day!”
I love my dog.
My nephew is at a crossroads. He’s entering college and can’t decide on a major. I suggested philosophy. I said that as a philosopher you never have to be right. You make suggestions, have opinions, speak extemporaneously and don’t have to concern yourself with facts. There is only one exception. You have to know how to spell “Nietzsche”. And if you can grow a mustache like him, that’ll guarantee you a job.
I bought a spaghetti strainer today. It had an odd shape and was very difficult to use. I’d pour the spaghetti and water into the hole attempting to strain the spaghetti but the spaghetti fell into the sink and the water filled the hole. My wife came home and saw my predicament.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Trying to strain spaghetti.”
“Using a ukulele?”
“What’s a ukulele?”
“It’s what you’re holding.”
She could see the confusion on my face.
“It’s not a spaghetti strainer?” I asked.
“No. It’s a musical instrument,” she said.
I still had the confused look.
“It’s like a small guitar.”
“I didn’t know they used small guitars as spaghetti strainers.” I said.
She walked away shaking her head but I smiled. When I finish straining the spaghetti, I’m going to play a song!
My wife gave me a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Then my wife gave me a bowl of cereal for lunch. Now she asked me if I wanted to have a bowl of cereal for supper. I said yes, but asked if she could actually put the cereal in a bowl.