Good Morning…..Day 71

A man wearing an eye-patch drove me home last night, but he wasn’t wearing it over an eye. He wore it over his pants. It was awkward.

Good Morning…..Day 70

My Father was ambassador to a small European country. A very small country. The population is 3 people and a goat. For such a tiny country it’s easy to assume that his job was easy but you’d be wrong. In the past few years there has been a civil war (the goat was promoted to general and won several battles), the President was impeached (the goat staged a coup), and the unemployment rate skyrocketed (the 3 people worked for the goat, but the goat outsourced their jobs to another county). My Father acted as a mediator between the people and the goat but the goat accused my Dad of working for the CIA and had him imprisoned. Presently my Mom is working on his release.

Good Morning…..Day 69

I had a rough night. At around 10PM I was abducted by aliens and taken to their spaceship. It was a 12 room split-level with wood floors, several bedrooms, a living room and kitchen. (Not at all what I expected in a UFO. I assumed the floors would be tile.)
They asked me if I knew how to make lasagna. (Naturally they didn’t speak English but were able to communicate telepathically.)
“Not great, but yes, I know how,” I said (thought).
This is where it got rough. A fight broke out amongst the aliens. Half wanted lasagna and the other half wanted beer. The beer aliens grabbed me and commandeered the UFO to take me to a liquor store. The lasagna aliens seized me back from the beer aliens and locked me in a closet while they fought. Luckily I had my cell phone and called 911 but the police didn’t want to get involved. They suggested I call the State Department. I did, but then they referred me to the Department of Homeland Security. No one picked up. It went to voice mail.
Eventually the aliens compromised. They took me to both a supermarket and liquor store to get everything. So after cooking lasagna and buying lots of beer, I finally got home around 3 AM.
When they dropped me off, they said, “See ya soon Buddy!”
I’m searching for a great chicken recipe.

Good Morning…..Day 68

For many years I was a superhero fighting crime and injustice.
Then my parents divorced and I was out of a job.

Good Morning…..Day 64

I accidently cut myself today and had to go the ER. The doctor took excellent care of me and asked if I had a tetanus shot recently. I gave him a confused look and replied that I hadn’t had any tetanus in a while. He smiled, said “OK”, and grabbed a needle. I asked what was the needle for. He said, “Tetanus.”
“You’re giving me tetanus?” I replied.
“No, no,” he laughed. “This is to prevent tetanus.”
He tried rubbing my arm with an alcohol swab but I backed away.
“But I want tetanus,” I said.
Now he had the confused look.
“But tetanus can kill you if you get it!” he asserted.
“I’ve had plenty of tetanus and I’m not dead.”
He looked ever more confused.
“When have you had tetanus?” he asked.
“I buy it when I go to the supermarket. I love Japanese food.”
“Okay,” he said. “When’s the last time you had a sushi shot?”
“That’s been a few years. I definitely need that!” I said.

Good Morning…..Day 63

The drink I held in my hand had become warm. I walked into a convenience store wanting to buy an ice cube. The attendant pointed out where they were. I stared at the bags of ice cubes sitting in the freezer.
“I only want one,” I said. “Where are they?”
“One bag? Or one cube?” he asked, laughing.
“Just one cube,” I answered.
He stopped laughing.
“We don’t sell just one cube,” he barked. “Only bags.”
“But I only want one cube for the drink I’m holding.”
“Listen buddy, buy a bag, take out one cube, put it in your drink and throw the rest away.”
“But I don’t want to pay $2.50 for one cube.”
That was the price for a bag.
“You want one cube? Well, you gotta buy a bag,” said a very angry attendant.
“How many cubes are in one bag?” I asked.
“I don’t have a clue.”
I looked at a bag, guessed there were probably 200 individual ice cubes in it, then left the store.
A short time later, I walked back in, followed by 200 people who also only wanted one cube for their drinks. We bought a bag and each took one cube.
The attendant starred at us in disbelief.
“Now, where can I find a peanut?” I asked.

Good Morning…..Day 62

Memories of lost loves. We all have them. There was one girl that got away whom I still dream about. She caught my attention at a funeral. She was seated in front of a woman who was crying her eyes out for the deceased. The woman’s tears fell unto the girl’s hair, soaking it thoroughly. The girl took out some shampoo and started washing her hair. There were enough tears enabling her to rinse and repeat. I was captivated. Sadly, she wanted nothing to do with me.

Good Morning…..Day 61

Would you believe that a former dictator has moved in next door? This man was overthrown because he drove his countrymen crazy. Tuesday was laundry day and every citizen had to do his laundry or be arrested. He wrote, directed and starred in his own TV cop show. Again, everyone had to watch it or be thrown in jail.
Now that he’s my neighbor, he’s trying to do the same here. He ran for Mayor, was elected, and had a law passed that men have to call him on Monday’s to say “Good Morning, Your Highness”, and women have to call on Thursdays to sing him a song. (Any song will do.) Children are required to do his laundry on Tuesdays. (Just like in the old country.) For people who don’t comply, the police write tickets. I’m afraid there will be an uprising.

Good Morning…..Day 60

My uncle recently passed and I am the executor of his will. One job I have is to handle the funeral and I discovered how expensive these affairs are. In my quest to find something cheaper, I saw a newspaper advertisement for a local store that sold coffins. So I bought one from them, put my uncle’s body in it and drove him to the funeral parlor. They refused delivery. They said I had to buy their casket.
Very irritated, I returned home and put my uncle in the garage where he is now resting comfortably until I can figure out what to do. My wife suggested looking for a cemetery where I can dig my own hole.

Good Morning…..Day 59

My wife and I wanted a new bed so we bought a waterbed. We chose the king-size model, had it delivered and installed along with new sheets, blankets and pillowcases. It looked beautiful.
Last night, we go to bed but it felt lumpy. We didn’t understand why so we stood up, turned on the room lights and pulled back the blanket and sheets. We expected to find some sort of defect. Instead we found a mobster floating inside of the bed. My wife screamed while I called the police. They came quickly and indentified the guy as “Jimmy the yo-yo”. He was a hit man for the mob.
“We’ve been looking for this guy,” said the cop. “Thanks for finding him.”
My wife and I returned to the bed store today looking for a refund and an apology. We were stunned when the store manager said that in order to get the refund, we’d have to return the “whole” bed. Without the mobster, no refund.
I’m going to talk to the police to see if I can “borrow” Jimmy for the few hours.