I rolled out of bed this morning for the last time. I sleep on a bunk bed and when I roll out, it’s a 5-foot drop. It’s how I grew up. My Mom, Dad, brothers and sister all had bunk beds. Nobody slept on the bottom, just the top and in the morning we rolled out, hitting the floor. My Dad said it was part of our religion. None of us believed that, but we had to obey him. Tomorrow I start a new phase – sleeping on the bottom bunk. That’s only a 1-foot drop.
My buddy moved into a 7 room apartment. However there’s no bedroom, living room, dining room or even a closet. All 7 rooms are kitchens. I asked him why he moved into such an odd place.
“I can prepare all my meals for the week at once! It’s a time saver.”
“But if you bring a girl over-“
“The last date I invited over, we had a contest. Who could prepare the better meal.”
“I did. She made French toast. Tasted like meat loaf. Never invited her back.”
It’s been several years since I’ve seen my best friend Jack. We grew up together losing touch after college. He called and wanted to meet up at a coffee shop.
“Jack!” I said, confused and shaking his hand.
“It’s great seeing you too,” he replied, puzzled and shaking mine.
We stared at each other in disbelief. Apparently we had both completely forgotten what the other looked like.
“So Jack, how’s my sister doing?”
Jack’s my brother-in-law.
I’ve become a fruitarian – a fruit eater. I started with apples. Today I add watermelon. Tomorrow it’s hot dogs.
“You can’t eat hot dogs. It’s not fruit,” said my wife.
“But hot dogs look like bananas and that’s fruit.”
“You have to eat fruit, not food that looks like it.”
“So I can’t have a hamburger?” I ask.
“What fruit does a hamburger look like?” she asked.
She gave me a long, hard stare.
“You’re not even trying,” she finally said.
“It does to me,” I smiled.
“So I assume you’ll be eating prime rib?”
“Looks like an avocado.”
“Lobster. Shrimp. Any kind of fish?”
“I would’ve just said grapes,” she said.
“I can see that,” I replied.
She walked away, shaking her head.
My wife and I are planning our vacation. She wants to go to Disney World in Florida. I want to go to Disneyland in California. Normally our disagreements are politely resolved but this is getting ugly. She sautéed my goldfish because I named him “Mickey”. I microwaved her Disney Princess dresses. The police were called when I wore my Winnie the Bear costume, she wore her Gaston outfit and we threw dishes at each other on our front lawn. Disney headquarters heard about us and now we are banned from visiting their parks. We’re considering Universal Studios. I want to go to the one in Florida. She prefers the one in California. I’m moving out until a decision is made.
I bought a book – “The Killer Spy”. I got the audio version but I don’t recommend it. The voice actor fell asleep several times while reading. (You could hear him snoring.) A friend told me of a publisher testing a new format – actors performing the book on location. I ordered a copy. I spent the day doing laundry, grocery shopping and riding the bus followed by actors performing the parts from the spy thriller. Unfortunately we are presently sitting in jail. Passengers on the bus called the police because they thought we were planning the overthrow of a foreign government. I don’t recommend this new format.
I got a job at a tech startup. Surprisingly, for a tech company they had no computers. Only typewriters. 26 of them. One for each letter of the alphabet because only one key that worked each typewriter. Took me 2 hours to type a letter.