Good Morning…..Day 127

I bought a new phone today. It has a miniature showerhead. I attached a bottle of water and gave myself a shower in an elevator. A great time saver.

Today (7/28/16) you can download FOR FREE 2 of my ebooks from Amazon!
So why not do it? If you love them, tell me? If you hate them, tell me.
(there are no) Answers to the Mysteries
Election Day for President of the United States (It’s not about Trump, but another nut running for President.

Good Morning…..Day 124

I flew to London for vacation. This morning I looked out my hotel window and saw the Empire State Building.
“Why do I see the Empire State Building?” I asked my wife.
“Are you confusing Big Ben with the Empire State Building?”
“I know what I’m looking at,” I said.
“Remember when we flew to Paris last year and you thought the Eiffel Tower was the Empire State Building?”
“It WAS the Empire State Building.”
“And when we went to the Grand Canyon-”
“I did NOT see it in the Grand Canyon. I saw the Lincoln Tunnel!”
“Above ground?”
“I’m looking at the Empire State Building right now,” I stated, pointing out the window at it.
“What time does it say?” she asked.
“11 o’clock.
“I thought only Big Ben had a clock.”
“And I see the Lincoln Tunnel entrance right next to it.”

Good Morning…..Day 122

I bought my first new car. Apparently things have changed and an engine doesn’t automatically come with it. After signing the paperwork and handing over the check, I put the key in the ignition but it wouldn’t start. I asked my salesman about it. He stated, “You didn’t say you wanted the model with the engine. That’s extra.”
I had to redo the paperwork and hand over another check.
The car still didn’t start.
“The engine doesn’t include the gas tank,” said the salesman.
After the tank was installed, I asked if I needed anything else. I was assured that I had the whole car. I paid the bill, walked out the door and my car was gone.
“I saw someone stealing it,” said the salesman.
“And you didn’t think to tell me so I could call the police?!” I said, angrily.
“You wanted the car with the engine and gas tank. You took a chance.”

Good Morning…..Day 120

Were “Opiates” (psychoactive compounds found in the opium plant) named after “Opie Taylor “(from the Andy Griffith Show)? Just a thought…

Good Morning…..Day 118

I never had a close relationship with my father. My therapist said it was because he was a cannibal.
“No he’s not,” I said.
“You told me he was cannibal!” insisted the therapist.
“I said his name is Hannibal.”
“Cannibal. Hannibal. What’s the difference?”
“Whether you’re cooking a leg of lamb or a leg of Sam.”
I need a new therapist.

 

FYI – All three of my books on Amazon are available as a FREE e-book download today (7-14-16). Click on Published Books for the links.

Good Morning…..Day 117

I’ve always felt uncomfortable around people who are smarter than me which is why I spend most of my time with family.

Good Morning…..Day 116

A friend bought a home that had a zoning problem. A road was supposed to be built where his house stood but plans changed and no one told the traffic sign department. They showed up at his door with orders to put a 60 MPH Speed Limit, No Parking and No Loitering signs inside his home. He protested but couldn’t stop them.
Later in the day, a state trooper issued a summons because he said my friend was loitering in the living room. The trooper returned at midnight handing out another ticket for sleeping in the bedroom. He said my friend was violating the No Parking ordinance.

Good Morning…..Day 115

I met Mr. George Peterson today. He has developed the world’s first line of “Gasoline Clothes”. Produced in a variety of styles and colors ranging from 3-piece suits to blue jeans, these clothes can power a car. “So if you ever run out of gas again,” Mr. Peters stated, “you simply take off your shirt, put it in the gas tank and drive off.”

Good Morning…..Day 114

I’m very tired today. This morning I waited for the bus and when it arrived, the driver didn’t open the door. He only lets me ride if he likes the tie I’m wearing. Apparently he didn’t like it this morning.
When I got to work, I discovered that my office had been relocated to another building across town. I had to rent a truck and move my desk, file cabinets and computer into the new one. I completed the move by lunchtime. After lunch, my boss told me they decided to move me back.
After work, I had to walk home. I changed my tie but the driver still wouldn’t pick me up. As he drove past he shouted, “Wear the blue one tomorrow!”

Good Morning…..Day 113

I previously mentioned on Day 112 that the CIA was investigating my company. It turned out to be a case of industrial espionage involving Bob and his cow. Bob would take his cow for a walk and meet his contact with his cow. Apparently Bob used the dentures Jack gave him to write “company secrets” on and then switch cows with the contact.
The illegal activity was discovered when the cow was sent to a veterinarian for a checkup and he discovered the dentures. He called the police who contacted the CIA. Now everyone in the office wearing dentures is under suspicion.