Good Morning…..Day 171

Being human, I haven’t escaped my own collection of quirky habits. One example, I like to give all out-of-state drivers a Jersey welcome by running them off the road with my car.

Good Morning…..Day 169

Preface (to my book Answers to the Mysteries) by Albert Eyenstein

When I was approached by Richard to write the preface to his book, I naturally requested that I might read the manuscript first. Unfortunately Richard was having problems at the time, robbers broke into his house stealing all of his notes and leaving Vatican tour guides in its place. So here I sit in front of my computer composing the opening to a book that I not only haven’t read, but one who’s subject I am also totally unaware of! Circumventing this problem, I decided to instead write about its author.
Richard is a man of many talents, one of which includes being able to distinguish between a man who’s 6’3″ tall and one who’s 5’10”. In early 1965 he also settled a thousand year old controversy when he proved that the Earth DOES have a moon circling it. He did this by looking into the sky and pointing directly at it.
Richard was born and raised in New Jersey. In high school he became the subject of controversy when he nominated a blue whale for senior class president. During the 1960’s when the country became preoccupied with ecology and health food, he saw these as foolish distractions and stated that the only way to save the world was through heavy and systemically organized pollution.
I met Richard in 1975 when he helped me test a theory about the speed of light. A camera was programmed to take his photograph at 1/5000th of a second. A second photograph of Richard was taken in Europe under the same conditions but this time it took 3 days to take the same picture. This proved conclusively that the speed of light isn’t a constant in the world. (It’s slower in Europe which explains a lot of things.)
Richard and I shared many ideas about the arts, sciences and public bathrooms. We would sit for hours discussing Hungarian philosophy and its relationship to clean underwear. We took many walks along the Nile River wondering how we got there, and we never missed an opportunity to shove a soccer ball down some loudmouth’s throat. In April of 1977 we built and successfully launched a moon-rocket containing an 8 by 10 inch photograph of a dog brushing his teeth.
I now return to the subject of his book. I do know that the name of his book is “Answers to the Mysteries”, and from my experience of knowing Richard, I’m sure that whatever those mysteries are, it will be an exciting book worth reading, rereading and maybe even reading again. Then again, don’t quote me on that.

Good Morning…..Day 168

From my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries –
“Late in the evening in Arkansas, David Atkins was abducted by a UFO. He claimed that he was taken to the alien’s home world where archeologists were excavating ancient ruins and made a discovery. They found an object that resembled the Earth’s toilet. One of the aliens accidentally flushed it. Well, it was still in working order and it was also clogged, so it backed up and overflowed. And it continued overflowing for days. All work at the archaeology site ground to a halt. The aliens, not knowing what to do, traveled to the Earth to find a plumber. Upon reaching the planet they located Mr. Atkins. He owned a plumbing business.
Returning to the archaeology site, Mr. Atkins surveyed the damage. Since he didn’t have his tools with him, he drew a diagram for the aliens to show what he needed to make the repair. The aliens sent the diagram to a factory and 2 weeks later Mr. Atkins received the tool – a plunger. Immediately he went to work and the toilet was fixed.”

Good Morning…..Day 167

I knew from the start that my marriage would be different. My wife wanted separate apartments.

Good Morning…..Day 166

From my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries –

Plato was quoted saying “Questioning people on their deathbed only leaves us with many unanswered questions or the sudden realization that now we can never collect the money owed us.”

Good Morning…..Day 161

My brother was born with a rare illness known as “Alka-Seltzeritiz”. After he was given his first bath, he just fizzed away.