Good Morning…..Day 187

“Do you have a gun?” she asked.
“Do I have a gun? Why do I need a gun?” he said.
“Because you do.”
“I can’t rob a bank without a gun?”
“Not the one we’re going to,” she said.
“They won’t give me any money if I don’t have a gun?” he asked.
“That’s right.”
“You mean that I have to have a gun in order to rob that bank?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I got a knife.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “And it’s only a penknife anyway.”
“It looks threatening.”
“You need a gun.”
“How do you know that?” he asked.
“It’s in the employee handbook. I had a friend who worked there and she told me.”
“How about my note. Is it good?”
“Let me read it,” she said.
He handed it to her.
“This is not good.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Holdup is spelled wrong. Money is too. Didn’t you spell-check this?”
“No, I didn’t think it was necessary.”
She shook her head in disbelief.
“Forget the note then!”
“You can’t forget it. You need the note.”
“Why? I’ll just tell them that it’s a holdup,” he said.
“It’s in the employee handbook too.”
“Do you have a copy of the handbook?”
“Yes,” she said, handing it to him.
He did a quick read through the chapter on robberies.
“It doesn’t say anything here about needing a gun.”
“On page 57 it says-“
“The perpetrator must have a weapon,” he said, interrupting her.
“That’s right,” she nodded her head in agreement.
“It doesn’t say gun.”
“Not specifically, but my friend at the bank says that’s how the employees interpret that. That the robber has to have a gun.”
“And the requirement of a note isn’t even mentioned,” he said.
“Yes it does. At the top of page 59 it says, ”taking the book from him and reading, “’a note produced by a computer printer is preferable over a hand written one when demands are made.’”
“And further down the page,” he said, grabbing the book back and reading, “’if no note is provided, verbal instructions are acceptable.’”
“I’m telling you, they won’t give you any money without a gun and a note. And the note can’t have any spelling errors. It would also help if you provided them with a resume.”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“The resume should list your past robberies, how much you made, what you accomplished, etc. And don’t forget to include references and people to contact in the event of an emergency.”
“Why can’t we just rob a different bank?”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re expecting us,” she said.
“I’m confused. It’s a robbery. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
“That’s why I picked this place. They’re very accommodating. They scheduled us for a 2 o’clock robbery.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. I called and asked.”
“When you could rob the place?” he said.
“Yes, and they were nice enough to give us a timeslot on a busy day and you can’t even follow the rules in the employee handbook and have a gun and a properly written note.”
“This has gotta be a dream.”

The Chapter 9 opening in my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.

Good Morning…..Day 186

I planted a tree in my backyard. My wife says that I didn’t. She said that I dug a hole and buried the washing machine. I said I know and that the washing machine will grow into a tree. She gave me a look like I was crazy. I reminded her that our neighbor buried his washing machine and now there’s a tree growing there.
She walked away, quietly mumbling.

Good Morning…..Day 185

I bought my first car by mail order subscription. I received one part per month for 10 years. Then the government announced a recall for a defective part. The company that sold me the car said I had to return it mailing it back like I received it – one part per month.

Good Morning…..Day 184

My dad bought me my first car. Actually he just gave me a tire. I had to supply the rest.

Good Morning…..Day 183

It’s that time of year again. What time is that? When I go to bed not knowing where I’ll wake up. Last night I fell asleep in New Jersey and woke up in Colorado sitting on a horse. Another time I was on a cruise ship in the Bahamas (that was pleasant). The worst was waking up in a dental chair getting a root canal in London. (It was the Queen’s dentist.)
The problem? Getting to work. My commuting expenses are enormous and I’m late every day. I’m getting fired constantly. Some bosses are intrigued and wonder if they can travel with me. They’ll sleep next to me and when they wake up and see me gone and they’re not, I lose another job.
I’ve applied to a temp agency with offices throughout the world. So if I wake up in Tokyo , the job will be local. I hope I get hired soon. I’m suffering from jet lag and I’m tired of seeing Paris.

Good Morning…..Day 182

I opened a store selling dill pickles. A competitor opened a store next to me also selling dill pickles. I added bread & butter ones. Then he added bread & butter ones. I started a 2 for 1 sale. He offered a 2 for 2 sale. Now I was angry. I called the health inspector and said my competitor didn’t use deodorant. He called the building inspector stating that the smell of my pickles was so strong that it damaged the building’s structural integrity. I contacted my congressman alerting him that my competitor’s pickles were in this country illegally. He called the police stating that I sold counterfeit pickles. I called the Teamsters telling them that he was selling non-union pickles. He called the United Nations saying that I was denying my pickles their basic human-pickle-rights.
Presently I’m meeting with the governor. He’s meeting with the mob. I’m afraid he might have the upperhand.

Good Morning…..Day 181

A few facts about UFOs and Aliens:

1) The aliens gave the Vikings deodorant and thus doubled their life expectancy.
2) The Chinese reported contact with the aliens 3000 years ago when they were known as the “Bringers of Detergent”.
3) The aliens didn’t help the Egyptians just build the pyramids. They also introduced the “chiropractor” to ease the pain during the construction.
4) Vincent van Gogh invented the world’s first paint-by-number sets with help from the aliens.

From my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries

Good Morning…..Day 180

Exhausting day today. Went to store to buy a new camera. Walked out with a coffee pot. Thought it WAS a camera. Then went to a furniture store. Needed a new couch. Bought a small car. I thought the car’s backseat WAS the couch. Spent the last 5 years learning French. Went to the French embassy to talk to the Ambassador. He didn’t understand me. Apparently I learned Hungarian.

Good Morning…..Day 179

I got a surprise call from the London Philharmonic Orchestra. They need a trumpet player and want to hire me. I asked my wife where the London Philharmonic Orchestra was.
“In London, England!”
“I thought that was some guy’s name,” I said.
I mentioned that I would take the job.
“How? You don’t play the trumpet!” she said.
“Is that required?”
She shook her head and walked away.
I’m flying tomorrow but first I’m buying a trumpet.
I’ll practice on the plane.

Good Morning….Day 178

I went to sleep last night in my bed and woke up on a bus. This is not the first time. Once I woke up on a cruise ship. Another time I was flying first class to Paris. But today I’m on a bus?! I go to bed wearing a tux knowing I will awake in a 5-star location. I don’t wear sweat pants and a t-shirt to bed because I might wake up in Buckingham Palace. I count on waking up in some fancy location. Not in the backseat of a bus. This is very stressful.