Good Morning…..Day 215

Newspapers are for the general public. I get my news from barnyard animals.

Good Morning…..Day 214

I woke up the other day speaking French. I forgot English.

Good Morning…..Day 212

You can never tell how your dietary habits will change. I stopped eating potatoes when my wife started to look like one.

Good Morning…..Day 211

As a child my mother never beat me unless it was called for. And people were calling for it all the time – by phone and test message.

Good Morning…..Day 210

I met my dream girl today while riding the bus. She approached me offering to iron my shirts. Then she said that she’d also iron my socks. I was in love. I became jealous when I heard her offering to iron another man’s tie. I jumped off the bus at the next stop forgetting that I was the driver.

Good Morning…..Day 209

I awoke today feeling depressed. My wife left me recently. She said it was because I slept on a mattress covered in granola bars. I was confused. I took them out of the wrappers.

Good Morning…..Day 208

Everything was in a fog. He wasn’t sure of where he was. Then he saw a house. It looked like the home of Mr. Sawyer. Mr. Sawyer was a ninety-year-old man who still lived at home with his mother.
He continued walking, hoping the fog would clear. Then he saw the girl.
“Why did you leave me?” he asked.
She walked by him, ignoring him.
He repeated his question.
“Why did you leave me?”
She stopped, turned around and looked at him.
“Why did you leave me?” he asked, again.
She turned back around and continued walking.
“What did I do?” he shouted.
She stopped again, turned around and marched back to him.
“You want to know what you did?” she said, angrily.
He nodded hesitantly. Her sudden reaction caught him off guard.
“You eat all the yogurt without offering me any. You make plans to do things without asking my opinion. You tell me who to vote for. You brush your teeth with a stalk of celery. You’re a weirdo!” she said, in a very loud voice.
“If that’s all-,” he replied.
“That’s all?” she interrupted. “You think that’s all?”
“No?”
“No is right! There’s a ton more. Everyday you would drive me crazy with another one of your annoying habits,” she said.
“I can change.”
“There’s more of a chance of me teaching a dog to speak English then there is of you changing,” she said, moving her nose within an inch of his. “You would come to my job and ask me what laundry detergent to use.”
“I just wanted to get the clothes clean.”
“I’m a court reporter. You don’t interrupt a court reporter when they’re in the middle of a murder trial to ask how to get a blood stain out of your shirt!”
“I guess it might have been the wrong time to ask,” he said.
“You guess?” she replied. “And you wonder why I left you?”
“Please,” he said, begging. ”I can change.”
“No, you can’t.” She turned away and started walking again.
“Please!” he called after her. “Give me a chance.”
She stopped again, turned around and walked back to him.
“Remember my last birthday?” she asked, with an angry smile.
“Yes,” he replied, looking at the ground.
“What did I want?”
“To go to-,” he mumbled.
“Speak up! I can’t hear you,” she said, starring into his eyes.
“To go to a restaurant.”
“What kind of restaurant?”
“A Chinese restaurant.”
“And what happened?”
“It didn’t work out,” he answered, his voice fading as he spoke.
“You managed to find the worst Chinese restaurant in the world! It was my 21st birthday. It should have been a special day. But you couldn’t make a little effort to find a good, no, a great Chinese restaurant for my special day. Don’t you think that I deserved it?” she asked.
“Yes, you did,” he said, still looking at the ground.
“You remember what happened, don’t you?”
“Of course.”
“I wanted roast duck.”
He nodded.
“And did I get a roast duck?” she asked.
“Well, yea…” he answered, cringing.
“Oh, I guess I did,” she replied, sarcastically. “But what was wrong with the roast duck?”
He mumbled again.
“I can’t hear you!” she shouted.
“It was still alive,” he said.
“Yes, it was still alive. They forgot to cook a whole duck. How? How can they do that? The damn thing was lying there quacking its fool head off. It’s impossible not to notice that. But they did. Why? Because you were lazy and just went anywhere. You didn’t care to find a special restaurant for my 21st birthday.”
She turned and walked away. He watched her vanish in the fog.

The opening to my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.

Good Morning…..Day 207

I’ve never understood why people use a telescope to look at the sky. I use mine to look my neighbors.

Good Morning…..Day 206

I found my dog sitting at my computer today. He was emailing love letters to my wife. I’m the one who feeds him. He should be writing them to me.

Good Morning…..Day 203

Thought for the day – Bigfoot. Who is this creature? Is it just a foot or does it have a whole body attached?