Good Morning…..Day 246

He knocked on the front door to pick up his date.
The girl’s father answered.
“You dare try and seduce my daughter you Chinese filth!” he screamed, pointing a gun at him.
“No, sir, no. It’s nothing like that,” he said. “We’re just going to the mall. Please sir, I mean no harm. And I’m not Chinese.” He backed away from the old man.
“Don’t you talk to me you French scum! You want to get my daughter drunk so you can take advantage of her!” He fired some shots into the air.
“I wasn’t going to do any such thing,” he pleaded. “I wasn’t going to lay a hand on your daughter. Now please put down that gun. Somebody might get hurt. And I’m also not French.”
“You Italian degenerate! You expect me to believe that? You come to my home to get my daughter and you’re not going to try anything? Do you think I’m an idiot?” he screamed, shooting the gun off several more times.
“No sir, you’re not an idiot. Just mistaken. Like when you called me an Italian. I’m not.”
“You’re a Polish rapist and I’m going to kill you!” He fired the gun directly at him.
“I’m not Polish!” he shouted, jumping behind a tree.
“I intend to make an example of your death to all Japanese garbage. You can’t expect to lay a hand on my daughter and get away with it.”
“And I’m not Japanese either!”
“So you’re from Argentina?”

From my book “5 Pumpkins & a Head” –
Available today (3-31-2017) as a FREE e-book download, so what have you got to lose?
If you hate it, you can tell me! But if you love it, I don’t want to know.

Good Morning…..Day 240

I received a call from the British Embassy. They were confirming my meeting with Queen Elizabeth. I replied that they had confused me with someone else. They insisted that I must meet the Queen as the arrangements have been made and I would be insulting her, Great Britain and all its citizens if I declined. They said a limo had been sent to take me to the airport, I would be flying first class, put up at a fancy hotel and then I would meet Her Royal Majesty. Realizing that their mistake had provided me with a free vacation, I said, “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”
The ride to the airport, the flight, the hotel, everything was fantastic! Then came time to meet the Queen. I arrived early, waiting in the lobby of Buckingham Palace. Eventually she appeared, walked over, and asked me how the trip went.
“Wonderful,” I replied.
“Oh, before I forget, here’s your change.” She handed me some British coins. She noticed the puzzled look on my face. “When you were in London last month, they overcharged when you visited the Tower of London. Now you have the correct change.” Upon finishing her sentence, she turned and walked away.
I counted the changed. She came up short. I kept my mouth shut hoping there would be another trip when she realized her mistake.

Good Morning…..Day 239

I awoke today wearing a tuxedo. I didn’t remember putting it on, but hoped that I had won a major award. I sat upright on the edge of my bed wondering where my wife was but quickly remembered that I didn’t have a wife. Next to the bed was a nightstand with a photo of a child at the beach being splashed by a wave. I stared at the image and could feel the water splashing over me. I was soaking wet. Reaching for the bar of soap that I kept under my pillow, I washed up.

Good Morning…..Day 238

I’ve always suspected that someone in my family worked for the mafia. We had an aquarium in our house and occasionally a gang member would float to the top.

Good Morning…..Day 237

I was fired from my job for combing my hair all day. I told my boss, I thought that WAS my job.

Good Morning…..Day 232

My mother called today to complain. (So what else is new?) She says that I don’t like her cooking but that isn’t true. I’m afraid of it. A nearby hospital is using it to cure cancer and the government says that it’s causing global warming. So I’m left wondering, just what is in those spaghetti and meatballs?

Good Morning…..Day 231

“Late in the evening in Arkansas, David Atkins was abducted by a UFO. He claimed that he was taken to the alien’s home world where archeologists were excavating and made a discovery. They found an object that resembled the Earth’s toilet. One of the aliens accidentally flushed it. Well, it was still in working order and it was also clogged, so it backed up and overflowed. And it continued overflowing for days. All work at the archaeology site ground to a halt. The aliens, not knowing what to do, traveled to the Earth to find a plumber. Upon reaching the planet they located Mr. Atkins. (He owned a plumbing business.)
Returning to the archaeology site, Mr. Atkins surveyed the damage. Since he didn’t have his tools with him, he drew a diagram for the aliens to show what he needed to make the repair. The aliens sent the diagram to a factory and 2 weeks later Mr. Atkins received the tool – a plunger. Immediately he went to work and the toilet was fixed.”

From my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries.