I was recently discovered that Aliens gave the Vikings deodorant and thus doubled their life expectancy.
I fell this morning breaking my arm so I rushed to the hospital. After the ER doctor examined me, he said my arm was fine but I had broken my leg. I said that I just walked on it, that it felt fine and it was my arm that was broken. Another doctor came over, she examined me and said both my arm and leg were fine, but I had sprained my ankle. The doctors got into a heated argument and started fighting. The cops were called. One of the cops also was a paramedic and he said that I wasn’t injured but I needed glasses.
I walked out of the ER to the nearest bakery where the owner wrapped some croissants around my arm. Finally, I got some help.
There must be life in Outer Space. I’ve been getting their mail.
I woke up the other day speaking French. I forgot English.
I’ve been visited by UFOs. They’re constantly siphoning gas out of my car.
I got a surprise call from the London Philharmonic Orchestra. They need a trumpet player and want to hire me. I asked my wife where the London Philharmonic Orchestra was.
“In London, England!”
I mentioned that I would take the job.
“How? You don’t play the trumpet!” she said.
“Is that required?”
She shook her head and walked away.
I’m flying tomorrow but first I’m buying a trumpet.
I’ll practice on the plane.
My wife and I wanted a new bed so we bought a waterbed. We chose the king-size model, had it delivered and installed along with new sheets, blankets and pillowcases. It looked beautiful.
Last night, we go to bed but it felt lumpy. We didn’t understand why so we stood up, turned on the room lights and pulled back the blanket and sheets. We expected to find some sort of defect. Instead we found a mobster floating inside of the bed. My wife screamed while I called the police. They came quickly and indentified the guy as “Jimmy the Yo-Yo”. He was a hit man for the mob.
“We’ve been looking for this guy,” said the cop. “Thanks for finding him.”
My wife and I returned to the bed store today looking for a refund and an apology. We were stunned when the store manager said that in order to get the refund, we’d have to return the “whole” bed. Without the mobster, no refund.
I’m going to talk to the police to see if I can “borrow” Jimmy for the few hours.
I got a job at a tech startup. Surprisingly for a tech company, they had no computers. Only typewriters. 26 of them. One for each letter of the alphabet. Took me 2 hours to type a letter.
I bought a book – “The Killer Spy”. I got the audio version but I don’t recommend it. The voice actor fell asleep several times while reading. (You could hear him snoring.) A friend told me of a publisher testing a new format – actors performing the book on location. I ordered a copy. I spent the day doing laundry, grocery shopping and riding the bus followed by actors performing the parts from the spy thriller. Unfortunately we are presently sitting in jail. Passengers on the bus called the police because they thought we were planning the overthrow of a foreign government. I don’t recommend this new format.