My wife purchased a $1 million life insurance policy for her cat…. I bought a dog.
I started writing a novel today. The title is “The Martians Invaded.” It is the tale of a married couple becoming bank robbers. My wife suggests that the book’s title is misleading. I pointed out that the couple’s name was Jim and Patty Martian. The title is not misleading at all.
I thought Guacamole was something that people wore.
I bought my dog a pen & pencil set for Christmas. Now he’s writing love letters to my wife.
I had a confusing morning. My wife spoke to me but I didn’t understand a word she was saying. My eyeglasses went missing and everything looked blurry. Then a man walked out of my bedroom and started talking to me. I also couldn’t understand him. Finally there was a knock on the door. My wife answered it and, standing in the doorway, was my real wife.
“Honey,” she called.
I was even more confused.
“You did it again,” she said. “You went home to the wrong apartment.”
“I didn’t understand a word they said.”
“They’re talking in Italian.”
“How come they didn’t complain when I got into bed with them?”
My wife shrugged.
I left, thanking them for their hospitality. The Italian woman gave me a loaf of bread as a parting gift.
When I first heard the word “microwave”, I thought that’s where short people went to surf.
I went to sleep last night in my bed and woke up on a bus. This is not the first time. Once I woke up on a cruise ship. Another time I was flying first class to Paris. But today I’m on a bus?! I go to bed wearing a tux hoping I will awake in a 5-star location. I don’t wear sweat pants and a t-shirt to bed because I might wake up in Buckingham Palace. I count on waking up in some fancy location. Not in the backseat of a bus. This is very stressful.