Good Afternoon…..Day 58

I bought my first new car. Apparently things have changed. After signing the paperwork and handing over the check, I put the key in the ignition but it wouldn’t start. I asked my salesman about it. He stated, “You didn’t say you wanted the model with the engine. That’s extra.”
I had to redo the paperwork and hand over another check.
The car still didn’t start.
“The engine doesn’t include the gas tank,” said the salesman.
After the tank was installed, I asked if I needed anything else. I was assured that I had the whole car. I paid the bill, walked out the door and my car was gone.
“I saw someone stealing it,” said the salesman.
“And you didn’t think to tell me so I could call the police?!” I said, angrily.
“You wanted the car with the engine and gas tank. You took a chance.”

Good Afternoon…..Day 57

My mother told me that I am descended from royalty. That I am a King.
“What country?” I asked, surprised.
“I can’t tell you. I’m sworn to secrecy.”
“By who?”
“Your loyal subjects,” she said. “They don’t want you to know until someone gets their driver’s license and can chauffeur you around.”
“No one has a driver’s license?” I asked, stunned.
“And they need a car.

Good Afternoon…..Day 56

I got a surprise call from the London Philharmonic Orchestra. They need a trumpet player and want to hire me. I asked my wife where the London Philharmonic Orchestra was.
“In London, England!”
I mentioned that I would take the job.
“How? You don’t play the trumpet!” she said.
“Is that required?”
She shook her head and walked away.
I’m flying tomorrow but first I’m buying a trumpet.
I’ll practice on the plane.

Good Afternoon…..Day 55

It’s that time of year again. What time is that? When I go to bed not knowing where I’ll wake up. Last night I fell asleep in New Jersey and woke up in Colorado sitting on a horse. Another time I was on a cruise ship in the Bahamas (that was pleasant). The worst was waking up in a dental chair getting a root canal in London. (It was the Queen’s dentist.)
The problem? Getting to work. My commuting expenses are enormous and I’m late every day. I’m getting fired constantly. Some bosses are intrigued and wonder if they can travel with me. They’ll sleep next to me and when they wake up and see me gone and they’re not, I lose another job.
I’ve applied to a temp agency with offices throughout the world. So if I wake up in Tokyo , the job will be local. I hope I get hired soon. I’m suffering from jet lag and I’m tired of seeing Paris.

Good Afternoon…..Day 53

I was at a museum when the curator asked me if I liked any of the paintings on display. I said that I thought the walls could use another coat.

5 Pumpkins & A Head

“Do you have a gun?” she asked.
“Do I have a gun? Why do I need a gun?” he said.
“Because you do.”
“I can’t rob a bank without a gun?”
“Not the one we’re going to,” she said.
“They won’t give me any money if I don’t have a gun?” he asked.
“That’s right.”
“You mean that I have to have a gun in order to rob that bank?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I got a knife.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “And it’s only a penknife anyway.”
“It looks threatening.”
“You need a gun.”
“How do you know that?” he asked.
“It’s in the employee handbook. I had a friend who worked there and she told me.”
“How about my note. Is it good?”
“Let me read it,” she said.
He handed it to her.
“This is not good.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Holdup is spelled wrong. Money is too. Didn’t you spell-check this?”
“No, I didn’t think it was necessary.”
She shook her head in disbelief.
“Forget the note then!”
“You can’t forget it. You need the note.”
“Why? I’ll just tell them that it’s a holdup,” he said.
“It’s in the employee handbook too.”
“Do you have a copy of the handbook?”
“Yes,” she said, handing it to him.
He did a quick read through the chapter on robberies.
“It doesn’t say anything here about needing a gun.”
“On page 57 it says-“
“The perpetrator must have a weapon,” he said, interrupting her.
“That’s right,” she nodded her head in agreement.
“It doesn’t say gun.”
“Not specifically, but my friend at the bank says that’s how the employees interpret that. That the robber has to have a gun.”
“And the requirement of a note isn’t even mentioned,” he said.
“Yes it does. At the top of page 59 it says,” taking the book from him and reading, “’a note produced by a computer printer is preferable over a hand written one when demands are made.’”
“And further down the page,” he said, grabbing the book back and reading, “’if no note is provided, verbal instructions are acceptable.’”
“I’m telling you, they won’t give you any money without a gun and a note. And the note can’t have any spelling errors. It would also help if you provided them with a resume.”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“The resume should list your past robberies, how much you made, what you accomplished, etc. And don’t forget to include references and people to contact in the event of an emergency.”
“Why can’t we just rob a different bank?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re expecting us,” she said.
“I’m confused. It’s a robbery. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
“That’s why I picked this place. They’re very accommodating. They scheduled us for a 2 o’clock robbery.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. I called and asked.”
“When you could rob the place?” he said.
“Yes, and they were nice enough to give us a timeslot on a busy day and you can’t even follow the rules in the employee handbook and have a gun and a properly written note.”
“This has gotta be a dream.”

The Chapter 9 opening in my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.
If you have Kindle Unlimited, you can read for free.

Good Afternoon…..Day 51

I spray myself with a nonstick cooking spray every morning. My mom taught me that it’s an easy way to keep clean. Dirt never sticks to you.

Answers to the Mysteries

Excerpt rom my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries

Introduction

All I’ve ever wanted were the answers to some of the greatest mysteries in
our world. Case in point –
“While on an archeological expedition in Egypt, Dr. Salmon discovered the ancient tomb of King Itacher, the only King never preserved as a mummy but was instead ‘freeze-dried’. Instructions written on the side of the sarcophagus declared that with the addition of 5 gallons of water, King Itacher would come back to life.”
Your initial reaction after reading that paragraph is probably one of disbelief, or for the more open-minded, staunch skepticism. While that is understandable, let me point out that as little as 500 years ago the Earth was believed to be the center of the universe. Only 200 years ago bodily illnesses were believed to be caused by evil spirits. And 100 years ago you would have been considered a dreamer if you claimed that man would someday land on the moon. Reality has changed and continues to change showing us what IS the truth, even if we can’t explain it.
I wanted to explore these paradoxes shrouded in mystery to find answers. To discover another piece of the puzzle to explain the world and universe that surrounds us. That gives us our life. Well, let me say at the beginning, that the ending is only a conclusion to my story and it doesn’t come with any answers.
“In 1973, Ronald Smith claimed that he was invincible and was willing to take on any challengers. A junkyard in his town responded with the challenge of him escaping from their automobile compactor. Smith accepted the offer and allowed himself to be seated in a 1965 Chevy, which was placed in the compacter and crushed into a one-inch cube. Men screamed, women fainted and children applauded when Mr. Smith emerged from the compactor as the world’s only one inch man.”
I have never been able to find an explanation for these events. They defy the scientists who understand Einstein’s famous equation E=MC2. These scientists can explain quantum mechanics but scratch their heads trying to figure out Mr. Smith’s size. What this means is, while the universe can have black holes and neutron stars, it can also have one-inch men.
So, I guess the real question is, if answers cannot be found, what’s the point of looking? Not an unreasonable question, but I must remind you that at one point there were also no explanations for black holes and neutron stars. Now we have a basic understanding of these natural occurrences. I approached these new mysteries with hope that someday they will be explained. I wanted to start an intelligent discussion.
Where was I going to begin? I knew that if you attempted to record all of the mysteries that existed, you would produce a set of books that would encircle the globe. I needed to focus on some of the most popular subjects – ghosts, UFOs, Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle, life after death, reincarnation and Atlantis.
I decided that I would interview the people who have experienced these phenomena firsthand. The people who have seen ghosts, been abducted by UFOs, or were on the trail of Bigfoot. My experiences during this time were incredible. One does not witness the unknown and come away unaffected.