Happy New Year!

As the new year approaches, I thought it was time to go on a diet. And it was time to start exercising. So I’ve combined the two – eating while performing isometrics (the science of muscle resistance). As each spoonful of food approaches my mouth, my empty hand pushes against the one with the food. Early results show good weight loss and buildup of arm strength.
I was at a diner for breakfast today and my waitress watched and wondered what I was doing. When I explained my diet and exercise plan, she got the rest of her co-workers to help. At one point, I had a slice of bacon within inches of my mouth while 5 waitresses helped me push back.
I left a big tip. I also left very hungry.

The Killer in My House

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text, texting

Merry Christmas!

merry Christmas, brady bunch

Merry Christmas!

Bigfoot

Who is this mysterious Bigfoot? Where does this elusive creature come from? A passage from the diary of Christopher Columbus suggests that one Bigfoot might have been aboard.
“Tis a strange creature aboard my ship. Tho’ must be o’er ten feet tall, with hair and bad odor plentiful. We know not where the beast comes from and we are all afraid to inquire for fear of losing a limb. It does make itself useful by killing any giant fish that attacks our ship. I do worry about one thing, the creature has exhibited a hearty appetite and crewmembers have been disappearing. It seems to be a God-fearing beast for e’er a morning shall appear that it does not pull a fish from the sea and hurtle it straight into the heavens as a gift for its god.”
So the question is, is Bigfoot Italian? I suggest this because he was with Columbus who was Italian.

Mysteries of Life

What are the answers to these mysteries?

– Who were the Watermelon Men of Los Angeles?
– Who was the well-dressed businessman found buried
under 2 feet of ice in the Antarctica?
– Who were the people living in Australia
that ate a diet of size 12 shoes?
– Bigfoot… Who is this creature?
Is it just a foot or does it have a whole body attached?

More Comings & Goings

I would like to present another excerpt from the book “Death & the Afterlife” by Victor Comings and Harold Goings:
“Never read a book written by a dying person. Chances are there won’t be an ending.”

Bank Robber

“Do you have a gun?” she asked.
“Why do I need a gun?” he said. “I can’t rob a bank without a gun?”
“Not the one we’re going to,” she said.
“They won’t give me any money if I don’t have a gun?” he asked.
“That’s right.”
“You mean that I have to have a gun in order to rob that bank?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I got a knife.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “And it’s only a penknife anyway.”
“It looks threatening.”
“You need a gun.”
“How do you know that?” he asked.
“It’s in the employee handbook. I had a friend who worked there and she told me.”
“How about my note. Is it good?”
“Let me read it,” she said.
He handed it to her.
“This is not good.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Holdup is spelled wrong. Money is too. Didn’t you spell-check this?”
“No, I didn’t think it was necessary.”
She shook her head in disbelief.
“Forget the note then!”
“You can’t forget it. You need the note.”
“Why? I’ll just tell them that it’s a holdup,” he said.
“It’s in the employee handbook too.”
“Do you have a copy of the handbook?”
“Yes,” she said, handing it to him.
He did a quick read through the chapter on robberies.
“It doesn’t say anything here about needing a gun.”
“On page 57 it says-“
“The perpetrator must have a weapon,” he said, interrupting her.
“That’s right,” she nodded her head in agreement.
“It doesn’t say gun.”
“Not specifically, but my friend at the bank says that’s how the employees interpret that. That the robber has to have a gun.”
“And the requirement of a note isn’t even mentioned,” he said.
“Yes it does. At the top of page 59 it says, ”taking the book from him and reading, “’a note produced by a computer printer is preferable over a hand written one when demands are made.’”
“And further down the page,” he said, grabbing the book back and reading, “’if no note is provided, verbal instructions are acceptable.’”
“I’m telling you, they won’t give you any money without a gun and a note. And the note can’t have any spelling errors. It would also help if you provided them with a resume.”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“The resume should list your past robberies, how much you made, what you accomplished, etc. And don’t forget to include references and people to contact in the event of an emergency.”
“Why can’t we just rob a different bank?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re expecting us,” she said.
“I’m confused. It’s a robbery. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
“That’s why I picked this place. They’re very accommodating. They scheduled us for a 2 o’clock robbery.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. I called and asked.”
“When you could rob the place?” he said.
“Yes, and they were nice enough to give us a timeslot on a busy day and you can’t even follow the rules in the employee handbook and have a gun and a properly written note.”
“This has gotta be a dream.”

Picking up his Date

He knocked on the front door to pick up his date.
The girl’s father answered.
“You dare try and seduce my daughter you Chinese filth!” he screamed, pointing a gun at him.
“No, sir, no. It’s nothing like that,” he said. “We’re just going to the mall. Please sir, I mean no harm. And I’m not Chinese.” He backed away from the old man.
“Don’t you talk to me you French scum! You want to get my daughter drunk so you can take advantage of her!” He fired some shots into the air.
“I wasn’t going to do any such thing,” he pleaded. “I wasn’t going to lay a hand on your daughter. Now please put down that gun. Somebody might get hurt. And I’m also not French.”
“You Italian degenerate! You expect me to believe that? You come to my home to get my daughter and you’re not going to try anything? Do you think I’m an idiot?” he screamed, shooting the gun off several more times.
“No sir, you’re not an idiot. Just mistaken. Like when you called me an Italian. I’m not.”
“You’re a Polish rapist and I’m going to kill you!” He fired the gun directly at him.
“I’m not Polish!” he shouted, jumping behind a tree.
“I intend to make an example of your death to all Japanese garbage. You can’t expect to lay a hand on my daughter and get away with it.”
“And I’m not Japanese either!”
“So you’re from Argentina?”

Atlantis, the Lost Continent

The search for Atlantis began thousands of years ago when somebody realized it was missing. The person who made the discovery was Manuel Lopez, fisherman off the coast of Spain. Everyday he would look at the ocean and see Atlantis on the horizon. Then one day he glanced and didn’t see it anymore. Manuel ran screaming into his village that Atlantis had disappeared. The actual reason why he didn’t see it anymore was because the night before Manuel went blind but nobody seemed to question this. Word quickly spread over the countryside that Atlantis had vanished and thus began the legend.

Comings & Goings

I would like to present an excerpt from the book “Death & the Afterlife” by Victor Comings and Harold Goings:
“Sending out invitations to your wake will prevent people that you don’t want in attendance from being there. Your only obligation is to make sure that you show up.”