Dieting

You can never tell how your dietary habits will change. I stopped eating potatoes when my wife started to look like one.

Dating

I found out some troubling news recently. My mother told me I have a brother I’ve never met. I also found out he likes to dress up as a woman. And, without my knowing it, I’ve been dating him.

Guacamole

A friend made a salad with Guacamole, which confused me. My shirt is made out of Guacamole. Can I eat my shirt?

Speed Reader

speed reader

If anyone is in need of a speed reader, I’m available. (Be aware, I once lectured on “Moby Dick” but actually read “Valley of the Dolls”. The audience was confused.)

Disappearing Socks

Jimmy Nelson holds the world record for disappearing socks in the Bermuda Triangle. A ship’s captain, Jimmy has traveled the area 1000s of times with his socks vanishing on each trip.

Keeping Clean

I spray myself with a nonstick cooking spray every morning. My mom taught me that it’s an easy way to keep clean. Dirt never sticks to you.

Door-to-Door Salesmen

I hate door-to-door salesmen. I have 50 “No Solicitation” signs in 50 languages outside my door. Today, there was a knock on my door. Apparently I need one more – in Braille.

Atlantis, the Lost Continent

Scientists believe Atlantis did exist. Socrates described the country as having many shopping centers. Plato mentioned the good restaurants to visit. Hippocrates visited to buy his medical supplies wholesale. The Greeks and Romans met there for their championship-bowling matches. The first bar of soap is said to have come from Atlantis. (Today we take for granted using soap to wash and smell clean. When the Atlanteans first started this practice, the lack of “body odor” so offended them, they almost outlawed soap.)

Wanted: Someone with Astronaut Experience

I applied for a job in a restaurant. The man interviewing me said that he wanted someone with astronaut experience. I showed him a photo of the moon that I kept in my wallet. I start next week.

Unknowable

Scientists spend a lot of time wondering where the moon came from. My parents spent a lot of time wondering where I came from. Some answers are unknowable.