Customer Service

I applied for a job as a customer service rep answering the phone. During the interview, I was given instructions on how to talk to the clients –
1- Snoring loudly to confuse the caller.
2- Answering the phone while gargling.
3- Telling the caller that he or she has reached the airport.
4- Advising the caller to call back at midnight.
5- Answering the phone while imitating a cat.
The pay is minimum wage.

From my book “Good Morning – Your Guide to Utter Nonsense” – a free download today on Amazon.

In Memory

I attended a funeral today. The deceased was someone I didn’t know. In fact, I didn’t know anyone. I spotted the casket being carried into the church by the pallbearers when one of them tripped. I ran over to help. Next thing I knew I was part of the ceremony carrying the dearly beloved on my right shoulder. After placing the casket down, I took my seat with the other pallbearers. Apparently the gentleman I replaced was going to give the eulogy for the departed. When the moment arrived, everyone looked at me. I stood, walked to the podium and solemnly remembered the deceased. I spoke of how he loved his family and about his accomplishments. I said that while he not only walked on the moon and was also President of France, he was proud of his wife and children even more. A few of the mourners gasped at my comments. Others nodded their heads in agreement. I closed the eulogy singing, “Star Spangled Banner”. Everyone joined in.

From my book “Good Morning – Your Guide to Utter Nonsense” – a free download today on Amazon.

Pregnancy

A pregnant woman will feel the baby kick. My mother said I hummed. I am referring to “humming a tune”. She visited her obstetrician for an explanation and he hadn’t one. She questioned if a problem existed and he said, “None that I can think of.” She asked if humming was common. “I am not aware of any baby humming while still in the womb,” he said. “Should I be concerned?” Mom asked. He smiled and shook his head. “Just hope he hums tunes you like.”
Over the remaining months of her pregnancy, I hummed a variety of show tunes and patriotic songs. Apparently my top favorites were “Old Man River” and “America, the Beautiful”. When my mom watched “The Wizard of Oz”, I hummed “Over the Rainbow”. She was asked to leave a Broadway Production of “Oklahoma!” because my humming of “Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’” annoyed the other patrons.
After my birth, I never hummed again. I believe she missed it.

From my book “Good Morning – Your Guide to Utter Nonsense” – a free download today on Amazon.

The Circus

I got a job working in a circus to pay for college. Eventually the college threw me out because I was followed by clowns all day.

Political Revolutionary

I considered becoming a political revolutionary until I learned the hours weren’t steady and you couldn’t collect unemployment.

Silent Auction

My friend won the grand prize at a silent auction – a farm. Ten thousand boxes of dirt are being delivered to her apartment.

Sublet

The elevator in my building is nicer than my apartment so I sublet my apartment and moved into the elevator.

Living Room Carpet

I bought a lawn mower for my living room carpet. I’m not sure, but I think the pile is growing.

Dad

A man claiming to be my son had a court order for a paternity test. I thought he looked too old to be my son but I took the test and the results showed I was his son.

New Home

I moved into a new home that runs on batteries. The realtor recommended it as protection in case of a power failure. However, it’s difficult to buy 10,000 AAA batteries at a time.