Grandfather Clock

I bought a Grandfather Clock. It came with a wristband.

Home Schooling

My son was home schooled. I handed him a hammer and nails to build a home so I could school him.

Grandpa

As my Grandfather lay dying, he asked me to be a pallbearer and handed me his tie to wear. I agreed. He charged me $10 for the tie.

Man’s Best Friend

I took my dog to obedience school. They taught him Morse code. Now when he’s hungry, he taps on the floor to tell me what he wants.

My Cat

I started reading my horoscope and laughed because none of the predictions were coming true. Then I realized they were coming true for my cat.

Library Card

I applied for a library card and was denied. I was too short.

The Dictator

Would you believe that a former dictator has moved in next door? This man was overthrown because he drove his countrymen crazy. Tuesday was laundry day and every citizen had to do his laundry or be arrested. He wrote, directed and starred in his own TV cop show. Again, everyone had to watch it or be thrown in jail.
Now that he’s my neighbor, he’s trying to do the same here. He ran for Mayor, was elected, and had a law passed that men have to call him on Monday’s to say “Good Morning, Your Highness”, and women have to call on Thursdays to sing him a song. (Any song will do.) Children are required to do his laundry on Tuesdays. (Just like in the old country.) For people who don’t comply, the police write tickets. I’m afraid there will be an uprising.

New Apartment

I moved into a new apartment today. It has a back-to-nature look. I don’t vacuum the living room rug. I mow it.

Driver’s Ed

Thinking about my dad today. He taught me how to drive. He had one rule. He said, “Son, never use the steering wheel.”

Education

When I was in elementary school, the teachers ignored the students. In the 8th grade I built an entire automobile in the rear of my classroom. The teacher didn’t notice until I drove the car to the front of the class to hand in my history report.