Albert Einstein

I read some private papers of Albert Einstein. He said he came up with E=MC2 to help him bake potatoes never thinking it would change the world.

Crimefighter

Got a call from girlfriend. She used to work in a circus. She’d swallow flashlight batteries, coughing them up at the speed of a bullet knocking out elephants. Now she wants a job in law enforcement. She figures she can stop crooks without a gun.

My New Car

I won a car in a raffle but the car wasn’t a real car. It’s a balloon in the shape of a car. You pull out the plug and the escaping air blows you down the street. To add insult to injury, I still had to get insurance and it was double the cost.

My Uncle

I went to a wake for my uncle and tried taking a selfie with him. Mourners screamed. I was in the wrong room. When I found my uncle in another room, it was packed. I returned to the 1st room, taking the selfies and ignoring the screams. This guy looked like my uncle. Who would know?

Mini-Vacation

I just returned from a mini-vacation. I flew there in a mini-plane and landed on a mini-island. I was served mini-meals by mini-people. At night there was a mini-moon in the sky. I had a mini-time.

Mount Rushmore

My history teacher spoke about Mount Rushmore. He said 4 Presidents were carved into stone but admitted he wasn’t sure which one was President Rushmore.

Airline Flight

Before boarding my flight, I was questioned by airport security why I had a light bulb in my left pocket. I said, “Because I have a lamp in my right one.”

Learning French

My German shepherd has been taking foreign language lessons. He’s learning to bark in French from a poodle.

Job Resume

I’m looking for a job. I had to update my resume. For a 10-year period when I wasn’t working I put “running errands”. My wife suggested, “I had a cold”. My brother suggested  “lost at sea”. I went with that.

Commercials

I’ve been watching too much TV. While conversing with my wife, she paused for a moment and I expected a commercial.