Baby Bath

When I was a baby, after my mom gave me a bath, she strapped me to the ceiling fan and spun me dry.

Newspaper Photographer

For years I worked as a newspaper photographer but was let go. I had the bad habit of forgetting my camera. Once I had to photograph the President and asked to borrow his.

Teaching

I applied for a job at a school as a substitute teacher. I was hired and put in a classroom with substitute students.

College Job

I worked my way through college as a substitute dictator. If a government were overthrown I’d hold power until another dictator was found.

My Brother, The Baker

My brother, a baker, sold a specialty line of exploding birthday cakes. Imagine his surprise when he bought a dog from a store that specialized in exploding pets.

Bow & Arrow

My father was an old-fashioned provider. He hunted with a bow & arrow. There was never a problem until he came to the canned-good section in the supermarket.

Becoming an Astronaut

On occasion I write articles for publication. This was published in a NASA journal.

Becoming an Astronaut

How many of us have dreamt of becoming an astronaut? To be launched into space at a speed of 17,600 mph? After reaching orbit, you circle the Earth 16 times per day. You will see our planet as few have seen it. How many wish for THE adventure?
Speaking for myself, not me! Here’s my list –
– I can’t walk to the store for morning coffee.
– There’s a half million pieces of space garbage orbiting at high speed. It’s “game over” if
you’re hit!
– Using the toilet. Let’s not go there.
– No Amazon Prime delivery.
– Did you know that your eyeballs change shape when you’re in space?
– You’re an easier target for alien abduction.
– You can’t make crank phone calls.
– I can’t walk my dog.
– Not sure if I can watch Netflix.
– Can’t play poker. Cards will float away. (That does make cheating easier. I might have
to reconsider this one.)
– Can’t open window if someone farts.
And you still get telemarketer calls.

Laundry

I bought a new washing machine. I use it to clean my old washing machine.

Newspapers

I delivered newspapers as a boy. Recently an old customer said she didn’t get the paper on July 20, 1969. I found one for her. Imagine her surprise to learn we had landed on the moon.

Astronaut

astronaut

I passed the physical.
Now I’m being measured for my space suit.
Soon I’ll be heading to Mars!