Blind Date

I once tried going on a blind date but we were both blindfolded and couldn’t find each other.

Faithful

One woman I went out with demanded that I be faithful. I thought she was talking about being religious.

Sleeping on the Couch

I had an argument with my wife and had to sleep on the couch. We’ve made up but I’m staying on the couch. It’s more comfortable. We had another argument, so now I have to sleep in the bed while she’s on the couch.

Sleeping

I sleepwalk and my wife feels conflicted about waking me up. It’s the only time she has the bed to herself.

Home Improvements

I spent $10,000 on home improvements and now my home wants to leave me.

Talk Show

My cable company offered me my own talk show. I said I liked to mumble instead. They rescinded the offer.

Dad, the Ambassador

My dad was ambassador to a small European country. A very small country. The population is 3 people and a goat. For such a tiny country it’s easy to assume that his job was easy but you’d be wrong. In the past few years there has been a civil war (the goat was promoted to general and won several battles), the President was impeached (the goat staged a coup), and the unemployment rate skyrocketed (the 3 people worked for the goat, but the goat outsourced their jobs to another county). My dad acted as a mediator between the people and the goat but the goat accused my dad of working for the CIA and had him imprisoned. Presently my Mom is working on his release.

Discovery

In 1965 Larry Smith settled a millennia old controversy when he proved that the Earth DOES have a moon circling it. He did this by looking into the sky and pointing directly at it.

Potatoes

You can never tell how your dietary habits will change. I stopped eating potatoes when my wife started to look like one.

Mom Called

I received a call from my mom today. She always calls after she sets someone’s house on fire. (I wonder if it was someone I know.)