Door-to-Door Salesman

A Door-to-Door salesman came to my house to sell me a vacuum cleaner. I told him to come back when he was selling doors.

Mail Order Car

I bought my first car by mail order subscription. After several years and getting all the parts, a mechanic showed up to put the car together. Before he could start, he had to mail order all of his tools. I don’t think this was a good idea.

Good Morning

Good Morning
November 22nd
I went to the eye doctor for my yearly checkup. When he finished he asked if I had any questions. I wanted to know if he did oil changes.

From my book “Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense” and available on Amazon.
Read for free if you have Kindle Unlimited.

Telemarketer

I received a phone call from a tele-marketer conducting a survey. They wanted my opinion on peanut butter and laundry detergent.
“What do you put your peanut butter on?”
“On a sandwich.”
“Next is laundry detergent,” she continued.
“I don’t put that on,” I said.
“On what?”
“On a sandwich.”
“Of course not. No one puts laundry detergent on a sandwich.”
“But you asked me that,” I said.
“I only asked you what you put peanut butter on-“
“And then you said, and I’m quoting, ‘Next is laundry detergent’, asking what I put that on.”
“No-”
“Are you saying that you didn’t say, ‘Next is laundry detergent’?”
“Yes, I said that,” she hesitated. “But-“
“Are you trying to poison me?”
“No, of course not,” she stuttered.
There was silence for several seconds before she hung up on me.
“That’s one tele-marketer that will never call me again,” I thought.

Dating

I never believed in life after death until I started dating.

National Day Celebration

Not sure what is being celebrated today. It’s either “International Indecision Day” or “National Wearing-Pizza-as-a-Hat Day” or “National Arsonists Day”. Hope it’s not the last one.

Sleeping Disorder

For years I’ve suffered from a sleeping disorder. I wake up.

Bath Time

My mother never gave me a bath as a baby. Instead, she strapped me to the roof of the car and drove through a car wash.

My Apartment

I moved into a new apartment. It has a back-to-nature look. I don’t vacuum the living room rug. I mow it.

Time Travel

Time travel is a favorite topic in science fiction. The question is, “If time travel was possible, what would I do?”
I’d publish the first Harry Potter book before the author does.
I’d tell Fred Astaire he’d be a great librarian.
I’d give Napoleon a different hat to wear.
I’d get Thomas Edison to forget light bulbs and invent a vacuum cleaner instead.
I’d persuade Babe Ruth to go into the dry cleaning business.
I’d ask the Queen of England to marry me.

So my question to readers, what would you do?