My Dog

I found my dog sitting at my computer today. He was emailing love letters to my wife. I’m the one who feeds him. He should be writing them to me.

Best Friends

Funny thing….my legs feel better in the summertime when I wear shorts. I think they like seeing each other and spending time together.

The Confused Musician

I finally discovered why my piano playing doesn’t sound like everyone else’s. I’ve been playing the violin.

Mom

I returned from vacation a disappointed man. I left my 90 year old mother with instructions to fix my car and found her still working on the transmission. My spirits needed uplifting. Someone handed me a brochure of adult education lectures. This was my answer.

My first choice was “Yoga” but I arrived to class to find everyone making “Yogurt”. Obviously a typo. Next on the list was “Vegetarianism – How to Recognize a Vegetable When You See One”. I was tossed out of the class when I got into a brawl with the teacher when I told him that broccoli wasn’t a vegetable but a small tree.

As I procrastinated making a another choice, friends spoke highly of the lectures they attended. One friend happily discovered at the “Right Brain/Left Brain” lecture that he had both halves.

Wednesday passed with still no decision. However I did notice a growth on my foot and scratched “Modern Dance” off the list.

The series of lectures were coming to an end and I still hadn’t found something. Then I spotted the perfect one, “How to Fix Your Transmission”. Perfect! My Mom could finally get the job done.

Green Energy

George Peterson has developed the world’s first line of “Gasoline Clothes”. Produced in a variety of styles and colors ranging from 3-piece suits to blue jeans, these clothes can power a car. “So if you ever run out of gas again,” Mr. Peters stated, “you simply take off your shirt, put it in the gas tank and drive off.”

Fine Dining…

dinner plate

….at a trendy, avante-garde, restaurant.
The special for the evening was a 1/2 inch cheese cube.
The taste was light, but filling.
There were subtle hints of lilac and rose petals.
The chef took a bow to thunderous applause.
Later in the evening he was spotted at McDonald’s.
The invited guests for the evening went to Burger King.

Happiest Day

The happiest day of my life was when my son and daughter asked if they were adopted.
I said yes and dropped them off at a neighbor’s house.

Fog Lights

I just bought a new car. It came with fog lights. I asked the dealer, “Why would I need them?” He said, “If you’re looking for fog, now you can find one.” That’s what I call excellent service.

Unusual Doppelgänger

LuAnne Kramer holds the record as the world’s most misidentified woman. For years, thousands of people have mistaken her for somebody else with the height of error coming when a supermarket shopper grabbed Ms. Kramer thinking that she was a loaf of bread.

Dad & his Hobbies

My Dad loves his hobbies. Besides building model planes, he overthrows foreign governments.