Good Morning – May 29th

Just returned from a wake. I was the only person paying respects to the deceased when a cell phone started ringing. It wasn’t my phone. I looked around the room, walked into the hallway and couldn’t find the source. As it continued ringing, I approached the coffin and realized the phone was in the pocket of the deceased. I was about to reach in and grab it when the funeral director came running.
“I wondered where I left it,” he exclaimed.
He reached into deceased jacket and retrieved it.
“I apologize for the interruption,” he said.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – May 28th

For lunch I had chicken. Yesterday I had a burger. Why isn’t it called a cow?

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – May 27th

I emptied my water bottle into the ocean and a policeman threatened to arrest me if the ocean overflowed.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – May 26th

Just returned from vacation. It was a short one, but I made the most of it. I drove to the nearest theme park and said hello to the security guard. My neighbors are from New Mexico and I’m learning to speak New Mexican. Visited a museum that had an exhibit about museums. Had lunch at a deli. I ate their “Bread Sandwich”. It’s a slice of rye bread between two slices of pumpernickel. It was an exciting day.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – May 25th

NASA requested I write an article for their magazine-

Where No Man Has Gone Before…

Space travel. Unquestionably dangerous, but safer than getting a haircut from a dolphin, mankind has dreamt of travel in outer space. We began our journey by sending monkeys into orbit followed by white men in astronaut suits. (These men were specially picked because they couldn’t tan at the beach. NASA thought that orbiting them closer to the sun would help.) After nearly a decade of hard work, on July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 touched down on the surface of the moon! And, just to prove that we could now go anywhere, six months later Apollo 12 touched down on the surface of China! There was no stopping us now.
During the 1970’s there was a change in strategy. Astronauts remained in earth orbit (they were all men and their wives wanted them closer to home to help with the laundry) while we sent machines into the outer reaches of the solar system. One probe named Voyager had a recorded message. If found by extraterrestrials it said, “Hello! I am from the planet Earth. Do you have the time?” (It spoke in English because in every movie the aliens always spoke English so it was assumed they did in real life.)
As we continue to explore, space experts predict that private citizens will own their own spaceships and fly to the moon and beyond. My gut response was that would never happen but after seeing a man suck an egg up his nose I’m not sure. Anything’s possible.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – May 21st

I ran the Marathon in 2016 and crossed the finish line in 2017. I didn’t know you were expected to run it all at once.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – May 20th

I turned on my television to watch the news. As I listened to the reporter, her English was so bad that subtitles were at the bottom of the screen. I alerted my wife to the situation.
“Can you believe this?” I said. “I can’t understand a word she’s saying.”
“Dear-“ she said.
“How does she have a job?”
“You-“
“And they put subtitles instead of just firing her.”
“Uh-“
“I’m trying but it’s impossible to make sense of anything she’s saying. “ My wife walked in front of the TV blocking my view.
“You’re watching the Korean channel,” she said.
“She’s not speaking English?”
“No.”

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – May 19th

I was fired today. I worked at the local hospital as a heart surgeon. In retrospect, I don’t know why they hired me. On the job application they asked what I’d like to do and I answered “heart surgery”. They should’ve asked, “What can I do”. Anyway, I was hired and found myself in the operating room. It didn’t take long for the medical staff to realize I didn’t know anything, but they played along. If I bought them lunch, they’d do the surgery for me. Everything was fine until the neurosurgeons wanted in on the action. Now I had to pretend to do brain surgery and buy them lunch. Then the hospital CEO learned about the situation and he wanted brunch. I told him to forget it. I could do his job. Then I was fired.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

CORONAVIRUS – Face Masks

Wife beheads husband for not wearing face mask which, coincidentally, she also refuses to wear.

CORONAVIRUS – STAY AT HOME – DAILY ACTIVITY

Dad with children

Tired of their constant whining and complaining during quarantine, a father flattens his children to keep them quiet.