Good Morning – June 29th

I belong to a support group for people who smell like cheese. Lately there has been infighting in the group. The people who smell like cheddar are trying to kick out the people who smell like swiss.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – June 26th

I took a stand today against wearing a fur coat. I bought one made of broccoli.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – June 24th

I applied for a library card and was denied. I was too short.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Police Lineup

Police Lineup

“Can you identify the one who got you drunk?” asked the police officer.
“It’s the big one on the end,” answered the young lady.
“Are you sure?” said the officer.
“Yea. That’s the one. He’s got a smirk on his face. He did it,” she said, pointing to him.
“Okay,” said the cop. “Hey Harry, it’s the guy we suspected. Lock’em him up!”

Good Morning – June 22nd

A Door-to-Door salesman came to my house to sell me a vacuum cleaner. I told him to come back when he was selling doors.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Father’s Day

bald man

On this Father’s Day, I want to express a sincere “Thank You!” not to my wife and children, but to these little guys on top of my head who have never abandoned me.
In my 20’s I sported a full head of hair. But these guys, these WONDERFUL little guys, stood by me. They never woke me up in the middle of the night crying. Never misbehaved or forgot to do their homework or got into fights at school. When my wife or son or daughter would ignore me, get mad at me, yell at me, these little guys didn’t. These little strands of heaven have never left my side. You guys are the best!

Good Morning – June 19th

My father was an old-fashioned provider. He hunted with a bow & arrow. There was never a problem until he came to the canned-good section in the supermarket.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – June 17th

I considered becoming a political revolutionary until I learned the hours weren’t steady and you couldn’t collect unemployment.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – June 14th

(Today is a day of quiet contemplation.)
If I had my life to live over, I’d wear larger underwear.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – June 12th

For years I’ve suffered from a sleeping disorder. I wake up.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense