Good Morning – August 31st

My wife had a DNA test. She is of mixed ancestry – part Italian, part Chinese and part fish. I just hope that it’s not part goldfish because when she dies, she’ll be flushed down the toilet.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 27th

My uncle is a couch potato. He has successfully combined being a farmer with being a vegetable.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 24th

The elevator in my building is nicer than my apartment so I sublet my apartment and moved into the elevator.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 21th

I visited the post office to buy stamps. The postal clerk sold me ones with a photo of a celebrity. “How can I get my face on a stamp?” I asked.
The clerk suggested I contact the Postmaster General.
I emailed the General for an answer.
“Mr. Green, you’re not famous, you’ve never done anything important, you haven’t discovered a cure for a disease, you’re not a sports hero, you’re not a movie star, you’re not a former President-“ That’s when I stopped reading.
“If I were President, would that guarantee being on a stamp?” I said in a return letter.
The answer was, “No. Only Presidents who have had historic administrations like Lincoln, FDR or JFK. If you’re another James Buchanan, forget it.”
I registered with every political party stating, “I am running for President!” A few asked me what my campaign would be. Not wanting to say, “I want to be on a stamp,” I said, “I want to write a constitution for our country.”
After the laughter died down, which confused me, I was reminded we had one. I have to think of another reason.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 17th

My mom was a difficult person. At my dad’s funeral she wanted a closed casket. The family demanded it be open so everyone could pay their respects. She finally relented opening only the bottom half. Everyone said goodbye to his feet.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 13th

My father earned money doing odd jobs. At times he was a janitor, a window washer and a heart surgeon. Once, in the middle of surgery, he was called away to unclog a toilet.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 12th

My son wants to become a marine biologist. I suggested he consider being a navy biologist instead.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 10th

It’s amazing that I ever made it thru kindergarten. I could barely see over the dashboard when I drove to school.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 7th

My dad taught my mom how to drive. We didn’t own a car so he used a boat. The driver’s test went well until one of the oars broke.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 4th

My father and uncle had a drinking problem. My uncle joined A.A. My father mistakenly joined A.A.A. It never helped him but Dad went on some great trips.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense