Voices

Everyday people hear voices telling them what to do.
My voices tell me to change my underwear.

Vanishing…..

Lawrence Canaby holds the “dubious” record for
vanishing socks in the Bermuda Triangle.
A cruise ship captain, Mr. Canaby has sailed
through the Triangle thousands of times
with his socks disappearing* on each trip.

*They vanish while he is wearing them.
(A crew member suggested that he simply stop wearing socks.
When he did, his underwear then vanished.)

The Introduction…

…to my book (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries (available on Amazon Kindle and if you don’t have one, download the Kindle app for your Mac or Windows).

Introduction

All I’ve ever wanted were the answers to some of the greatest mysteries in
our world. Case in point –
“While on an archeological expedition in Egypt, Dr. Salmon discovered the ancient tomb of King Itacher, the only King never preserved as a mummy but was instead ‘freeze-dried’. Instructions written on the side of the sarcophagus declared that with the addition of 5 gallons of water, King Itacher would come back to life.”
Your initial reaction after reading that paragraph is probably one of disbelief, or for the more open-minded, staunch skepticism. While that is understandable, let me point out that as little as 500 years ago the Earth was believed to be the center of the universe. Only 200 years ago bodily illnesses were believed to be caused by evil spirits. And 100 years ago you would have been considered a dreamer if you claimed that man would someday land on the moon. Reality has changed and continues to change showing us what IS the truth, even if we can’t explain it.
I wanted to explore these paradoxes shrouded in mystery to find answers. To discover another piece of the puzzle to explain the world and universe that surrounds us. That gives us our life. Well, let me say at the beginning, that the ending is only a conclusion to my story and it doesn’t come with any answers.
“In 1973, Ronald Smith claimed that he was invincible and was willing to take on any challengers. A junkyard in his town responded with the challenge of him escaping from their automobile compactor. Smith accepted the offer and allowed himself to be seated in a 1965 Chevy, which was placed in the compacter and crushed into a one-inch cube. Men screamed, women fainted and children applauded when Mr. Smith emerged from the compactor as the world’s only one inch man.”
I have never been able to find an explanation for these events. They defy the scientists who understand Einstein’s famous equation E=MC2. These scientists can explain quantum mechanics but scratch their heads trying to figure out Mr. Smith’s size. What this means is, while the universe can have black holes and neutron stars, it can also have one-inch men.
So, I guess the real question is, if answers cannot be found, what’s the point of looking? Not an unreasonable question, but I must remind you that at one point there were also no explanations for black holes and neutron stars. Now we have a basic understanding of these natural occurrences. I approached these new mysteries with hope that someday they will be explained. I wanted to start an intelligent discussion.
Where was I going to begin? I knew that if you attempted to record all of the mysteries that existed, you would produce a set of books that would encircle the globe. I needed to focus on some of the most popular subjects – ghosts, UFOs, Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle, life after death, reincarnation and Atlantis. I
decided that I would interview the people who have experienced these phenomena firsthand. The people who have seen ghosts, been abducted by UFOs, or were on the trail of Bigfoot. My experiences during this time were incredible. One does not witness the unknown and come away unaffected.
Please read the following pages carefully. Be open minded and maybe in 100 years, we will have the answers to these mysteries.

Lawyers….

(Not my work, but hilarious….)

WTF??? HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

An Undecided Voter….Until Now

I received a call from Donald Trump asking me to vote for him.
Then I received a call from Joe Biden asking me to vote for him too.
I asked both men a question, “If I were running for President, would you vote for me?” Both men said yes.
So as I head out on this election day to cast my vote for President of the United States apparently I’m the man to vote for.

Good Morning – October 23rd

I bought a book “10,000 Baby Names”. After reading the choices I decided to name my kid after the book.

Good Morning – October 22nd

I stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy when he stopped paying my dental bills.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – October 21st

I returned from vacation a broken man. I left my 90 year old mother with instructions to fix my car and found her still working on the transmission. My spirits needed uplifting. Someone handed me a brochure of adult education lectures. This was my answer.
My first choice was “Yoga” but I arrived to class to find everyone making “Yogurt”. Obviously a typo. Next on the list was “Vegetarianism – How to Recognize a Vegetable When You See One”. I cancelled when I learned that I would also have to write a love poem to a cow.
As I procrastinated making a 3rd choice, friends spoke highly of the lectures they attended. One friend happily discovered at the “Right Brain/Left Brain” lecture that he had both halves.
Wednesday passed with still no decision. However I did notice a growth on my foot and scratched “Modern Dance” off the list.
I scanned the brochure one last time. One lecture jumped out at me, “Alien Addictions: Alcohol and Drug Abuse”. I sent in my check but it was returned stamped “not accepting earthlings”.
The series of lectures were coming to an end and I still hadn’t found something. Then I spotted the perfect one, “How to Fix Your Transmission – A Family Project”. Perfect! My Mom and my 95 year old Dad could finally get the job done.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – October 19th

I took my family to Disney and lost them in the Magic Kingdom. Is that why it’s called “Magic”?

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – October 16th

I tried my hand at poetry. I am not a poet, nor do I even like poetry, but here’s my poem –

i read my horoscope today
and laughed.
none of the predictions had come true. but then i realized
they were coming true
for my cat.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense