World’s Worst Neighbor

Would you believe that a former dictator has moved in next door? This man was overthrown because he drove his countrymen crazy. Tuesday was laundry day and every citizen had to do his laundry or be arrested. He wrote, directed and starred in his own TV cop show. Again, everyone had to watch it or be thrown in jail.
Now that he’s my neighbor, he’s trying to do the same here. He ran for Mayor, was elected, and had a law passed that men have to call him on Monday’s to say “Good Morning, Your Highness”, and women have to call on Thursdays to sing him a song. (Any song will do.) Children are required to do his laundry on Tuesdays. (Just like in the old country.) For people who don’t comply, the police write tickets. I’m afraid there will be an uprising.

Always a Problem…

My uncle recently passed and I am the executor of his will. One job I have is to handle the funeral and I discovered how expensive these affairs are. In my quest to find something cheaper, I saw a newspaper advertisement for a local store that sold coffins. So I bought one from them, put my uncle’s body in it and drove him to the funeral parlor. They refused delivery. They said I had to buy their casket.
Very irritated, I returned home and put my uncle in the garage where he is now resting comfortably until I can figure out what to do. My wife suggested looking for a cemetery where I can dig my own hole.

Bought a New Mattress

My wife and I wanted a new bed so we bought a waterbed. We chose the king-size model, had it delivered and installed along with new sheets, blankets and pillowcases. It looked beautiful.
Last night, we go to bed but it felt lumpy. We didn’t understand why so we stood up, turned on the room lights and pulled back the blanket and sheets. We expected to find some sort of defect. Instead we found a mobster floating inside of the bed. My wife screamed while I called the police. They came quickly and indentified the guy as “Jimmy the yo-yo”. He was a hit man for the mob.
“We’ve been looking for this guy,” said the cop. “Thanks for finding him.”
My wife and I returned to the bed store today looking for a refund and an apology. We were stunned when the store manager said that in order to get the refund, we’d have to return the “whole” bed. Without the mobster, no refund.
I’m going to talk to the police to see if I can “borrow” Jimmy for the few hours.

A Confusing Morning…

I had a confusing morning. My wife spoke to me but I didn’t understand a word she was saying. My eyeglasses went missing and everything looked blurry. Then a man walked out of my bedroom and started talking to me. I also couldn’t understand him. Finally there was a knock on the door. My wife answered it and, standing in the doorway, was my real wife.
“Honey,” she called.
I was even more confused.
“You did it again,” she said. “You went home to the wrong apartment.”
“I didn’t understand a word they said.”
“They’re talking in Italian.”
“How come they didn’t complain when I got into bed with them?”
My wife shrugged.
I left, thanking them for their hospitality. The Italian woman gave me a loaf of bread as a parting gift.

Free Today!

I took my pants to the dry cleaners but didn’t have enough money so I asked them to clean just one leg. Wouldn’t you know, the guy cleaned the wrong one.

My humor books are available as a free ebook download today – Friday, Nov 19.
Here’s the LINK.   (Click “Buy it now” for free download NOT “Read for Free” which is Kindle Unlimited – an Amazon reading membership.)

And here’s a link, if needed, for the free Kindle app for Mac or PC.

New Client?

I met with a new client. He asked if I had any opinions about the Moon. I said no. He smiled. “I just bought a house there,” he added. “I love it but the commute is a killer.” Wasn’t sure if I wanted this guy as a client.

Travel to France

I traveled to France because I wanted to climb Mt. Everest. When I got there, I didn’t see it so I asked a lady for directions. She took me to a nearby café with the name Mt. Everest. I expected it to be a lot bigger. There were just 5 steps to get to the top. I wasn’t impressed. A patron in the café told me about the Eiffel Tower. He said it was very tall. I asked him where it was. He said in Nepal. That’s next to China. I’m catching a plane in the morning.

My Dream Girl

I met my dream girl today while riding the bus. She approached me offering to iron my shirts. Then she said that she’d also iron my socks. I was in love. I became jealous when I heard her offering to iron another man’s tie. I jumped off the bus at the next stop forgetting that I was the driver.

Applying for a Job

I applied for a job in a restaurant. The man interviewing me said that he wanted someone with astronaut experience. I showed him a photo of the moon that I kept in my wallet. I start next week.

To be continued…

My Mom Called…

I received a call from my Mother today. She always calls after she sets someone’s house on fire. She inquired if I had oatmeal for breakfast. I said maybe. I ate something but wasn’t sure what it was. It tasted like an orange but could have been oatmeal.

To be continued…