My Mother Called

My mother called today to complain. (So what else is new?) She says that I don’t like her cooking but that isn’t true. I’m afraid of it. A nearby hospital is using it to cure cancer and the government says that it’s causing global warming. So I’m left wondering, just what is in those spaghetti and meatballs?

Marital Problems

I awoke today feeling depressed. My wife left me recently. She said it was because I slept on a mattress covered in granola bars. I was confused. I took them out of the wrappers.


Thought for the day – Bigfoot. Who is this creature? Is it just a foot or does it have a whole body attached?

I’m Exhausted

Exhausting day today. Went to store to buy a new camera. Walked out with a coffee pot. Thought it WAS a camera. Then went to a furniture store. Needed a new couch. Bought a small car. I thought the car’s backseat WAS the couch. Spent the last 5 years learning French. Went to the French embassy to talk to the Ambassador. He didn’t understand me. Apparently I learned Hungarian.

Got a Call!

I got a surprise call from the London Philharmonic Orchestra. They need a trumpet player and want to hire me. I asked my wife where the London Philharmonic Orchestra was.
“In London, England!”
I mentioned that I would take the job.
“How? You don’t play the trumpet!” she said.
“Is that required?”
She shook her head and walked away.
I’m flying tomorrow but first I’m buying a trumpet.
I’ll practice on the plane.

Borrowed My Neighbor’s Car

I woke up late today for work. I ran out the door putting on my pants and hopped in my car only to find it wouldn’t start. Dead battery.
I banged on my neighbor’s door asking to borrow his. He said yes.
“The keys are in the ignition.”
I didn’t remember what his car looked like so I just looked for the ignition with the keys. Spotted it. I jumped in, and sped away.
While driving I noticed everyone getting out of my way. I admit that I was driving fast, but wondered why.
Stopped at a red light, the car’s instrument panel caught my attention. It had a lot of extra buttons. I pushed a few to see what would happen when I suddenly heard a police siren. The light turned green so I sped off. The siren sound was following me but I refused to stop. I weighed my options – a traffic ticket or my boss firing me. (He said as much since I’ve been late several times recently.)
I looked in my rear view mirror. I heard the siren but didn’t see anyone following. And now the traffic in both directions came to a halt, letting me pass. (My lucky day!)
I arrived to work in record time. I parked, ran to my office, breathing a sigh of relief that my boss didn’t spot me.
My phone rang.
“You took the wrong car,” said the caller, my neighbor. He’s a cop.

The King

My mother told me that I am descended from royalty. That I am a King.
“What country?” I asked, surprised.
“I can’t tell you. I’m sworn to secrecy.”
“By who?”
“Your loyal subjects,” she said. “They don’t want you to know until someone gets their driver’s license and can chauffeur you around.”
“No one has a driver’s license?” I asked, stunned.
“And they need a car.”

New Phone

I bought a new phone today. It has a miniature showerhead. I attached a bottle of water and gave myself a shower in an elevator. A great time saver.

New Car Problems

I bought my first new car. Apparently things have changed and an engine doesn’t automatically come with it. After signing the paperwork and handing over the check, I put the key in the ignition but it wouldn’t start. I asked my salesman about it. He stated, “You didn’t say you wanted the model with the engine. That’s extra.”
I had to redo the paperwork and hand over another check.
The car still didn’t start.
“The engine doesn’t include the gas tank,” said the salesman.
After the tank was installed, I asked if I needed anything else. I was assured that I had the whole car. I paid the bill, walked out the door and my car was gone.
“I saw someone stealing it,” said the salesman.
“And you didn’t think to tell me so I could call the police?!” I said, angrily.
“You wanted the car with the engine and gas tank. You took a chance.”

More Trouble at Work

I’m very tired today. This morning I waited for the bus and when it arrived, the driver didn’t open the door. He only lets me ride if he likes the tie I’m wearing. Apparently he didn’t like it this morning.
When I got to work, I discovered that my office had been relocated to another building across town. I had to rent a truck and move my desk, file cabinets and computer into the new one. I completed the move by lunchtime. After lunch, my boss told me they decided to move me back.
After work, I had to walk home. I changed my tie but the driver still wouldn’t pick me up. As he drove past he shouted, “Wear the blue one tomorrow!”