Dishwashing

I wash the dishes on holidays and birthdays. The rest of the year I velcro them to my car and drive through a car wash.

Going to the Mall

When I was a kid, my friends would ride their bicycles to the mall. My Mom got me a plane.

Daylight Savings Time

When it’s “Daylight Savings Time” people set their clocks ahead one hour. I observe “Monthly Savings Time” and set my calendar ahead one month. I celebrate July 4th on Memorial Day.

Government Secrets

My mother worked for the C.I.A. My father worked for the F.B.I. I made a fortune selling government secrets back and forth.

Dedicated Employee

I worked as a security guard in a funeral parlor. There was an incident where a deceased man wasn’t deceased and he tried to leave. I made sure he didn’t.

Haircut

I’m economizing. I trained my dog to give me a haircut. Now I look like a French poodle.

New Coat

I took a stand today against wearing a fur coat. I bought one made of broccoli.

Newspaper Photographer

For years I worked as a newspaper photographer but was let go. I had the bad habit of forgetting my camera. Once I had to photograph the President and asked to borrow his.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

College Job

I worked my way through college as a substitute dictator. If a government were overthrown I’d hold power until another dictator was found.

Becoming an Astronaut

On occasion I write articles for publication. This was published in a NASA journal.

Becoming an Astronaut

How many of us have dreamt of becoming an astronaut? To be launched into space at a speed of 17,600 mph? After reaching orbit, you circle the Earth 16 times per day. You will see our planet as few have seen it. How many wish for THE adventure?
Speaking for myself, not me! Here’s my list –
– I can’t walk to the store for morning coffee.
– There’s a half million pieces of space garbage orbiting at high speed. It’s “game over” if
you’re hit!
– Using the toilet. Let’s not go there.
– No Amazon Prime delivery.
– Did you know that your eyeballs change shape when you’re in space?
– You’re an easier target for alien abduction.
– You can’t make crank phone calls.
– I can’t walk my dog.
– Not sure if I can watch Netflix.
– Can’t play poker. Cards will float away. (That does make cheating easier. I might have
to reconsider this one.)
– Can’t open window if someone farts.
And you still get telemarketer calls.