In 1965 Larry Smith settled a millennia old controversy when he proved that the Earth DOES have a moon circling it. He did this by looking into the sky and pointing directly at it.
I received a call from my mom today. She always calls after she sets someone’s house on fire. (I wonder if it was someone I know.)
I awoke today feeling depressed. My wife left me recently. She said it was because I slept on a mattress covered in granola bars. I was confused. I took them out of the wrappers.
When I was born my mom gave up her day job as a bank robber instead working from home as a money launderer. When I turned 18, she no longer had the energy to rob banks again and considered embezzlement. I suggested counterfeiting because she had an eye for detail.
Recently I was trapped in a hotel elevator for 8 hours. I fell asleep on the floor and when rescued was charged for an overnight stay.
We all have very busy lives. And we look for ways to save time.
Here’s what I do-
1- I wash my fruits and vegetables when I shower.
2- Also, while I shower, I wear clothes that need washing.
3- I don’t mow the lawn until the grass is 3 feet high.
4- I cook all my meals for the month at the same time. Then I don’t reheat.
5- I have an artificial Christmas Tree. It’s been up for 15 years.
6- My family has a reunion once a year. If someone can’t make it, we cancel. I’m the “someone”.
7- I haven’t bought clothes since I was 20. Everything is too small, but I make do.
What do you do to save time?
My Dad attended a business conference. His boss suggested he wear a suit but dad didn’t have one. So he bought a second-hand one at the local army/navy store. It belonged to Neil Armstrong. He wore it on the Moon.
My parents own a funeral parlor. When business is slow, they setup a display in a mallI where I lie in a coffin with the sign “This could be you!”.
I was touring the White House while eating a pretzel and a Secret Service agent pulled me aside asking for a bite. I noticed he had a candy bar in his pocket and I suggested a trade. Another agent came over and offered me a candy bar AND a bag of popcorn for my pretzel. When I said yes to that offer, a fight started between the two agents. The President had to come over to break it up. And I had to give him my pretzel for saving me.
My son is learning to drive. He changed a flat today. He took the flat tire off my car and put it on his.