Discovery

In 1965 Larry Smith settled a millennia old controversy when he proved that the Earth DOES have a moon circling it. He did this by looking into the sky and pointing directly at it.

Mom Called

I received a call from my mom today. She always calls after she sets someone’s house on fire. (I wonder if it was someone I know.)

Wife Problems

I awoke today feeling depressed. My wife left me recently. She said it was because I slept on a mattress covered in granola bars. I was confused. I took them out of the wrappers.

Mom and her Career

When I was born my mom gave up her day job as a bank robber instead working from home as a money launderer. When I turned 18, she no longer had the energy to rob banks again and considered embezzlement. I suggested counterfeiting because she had an eye for detail.

Overnight Stay

Recently I was trapped in a hotel elevator for 8 hours. I fell asleep on the floor and when rescued was charged for an overnight stay.

Saving Time

We all have very busy lives. And we look for ways to save time.
Here’s what I do-
1- I wash my fruits and vegetables when I shower.
2- Also, while I shower, I wear clothes that need washing.
3- I don’t mow the lawn until the grass is 3 feet high.
4- I cook all my meals for the month at the same time. Then I don’t reheat.
5- I have an artificial Christmas Tree. It’s been up for 15 years.
6- My family has a reunion once a year. If someone can’t make it, we cancel. I’m the “someone”.
7- I haven’t bought clothes since I was 20. Everything is too small, but I make do.
What do you do to save time?

Business Conference

My Dad attended a business conference. His boss suggested he wear a suit but dad didn’t have one. So he bought a second-hand one at the local army/navy store. It belonged to Neil Armstrong. He wore it on the Moon.

Future Home

My parents own a funeral parlor. When business is slow, they setup a display in a mallI where I lie in a coffin with the sign “This could be you!”.

White House Visit

I was touring the White House while eating a pretzel and a Secret Service agent pulled me aside asking for a bite. I noticed he had a candy bar in his pocket and I suggested a trade. Another agent came over and offered me a candy bar AND a bag of popcorn for my pretzel. When I said yes to that offer, a fight started between the two agents. The President had to come over to break it up. And I had to give him my pretzel for saving me.

Learning to Drive

My son is learning to drive. He changed a flat today. He took the flat tire off my car and put it on his.