For years I’ve suffered from a sleeping disorder. I wake up.
I moved into a new apartment. It has a back-to-nature look. I don’t vacuum the living room rug. I mow it.
My dad loved tennis but was lousy at it. He’d hold the ball and hit the racket back and forth.
I went out on a first date. I met the young lady at the laundromat. We enjoyed dinner by candlelight while we washed our clothes. I ended it after I learned she just used me for my detergent.
I traveled to France because I wanted to climb Mt. Everest. When I got there, I didn’t see it so I asked a lady for directions. She took me to a café called Mt. Everest. I expected it to be a lot bigger. Took me 5 minutes to climb onto the roof. I’m not impressed.
I was fired from my job today. I worked at the local hospital as a heart surgeon. In retrospect, I don’t know why they hired me. On the job application they asked what I’d like to do and I answered “heart surgery”. They should’ve asked, “What CAN I do”. Anyway, I was hired and found myself in the operating room. It didn’t take long for the medical staff to realize I didn’t know anything, but they played along. If I bought them lunch, they’d do the surgery for me. Everything was fine until the neurosurgeons wanted in on the action. Now I had to pretend to do brain surgery and buy them lunch. Then the hospital CEO learned about the situation and he wanted brunch. I told him forget it. I could DO his job. Then I was fired.
I still drive my first car. My grandfather sold it to me. It was his first car.
A friend requested that I put coffee on. I told him that I didn’t have any clothes made out of coffee. But I did have a shirt made out of celery so I put that on.
I had an argument with my wife and had to sleep on the couch. We’ve made up but I’m staying on the couch. It’s more comfortable. We had another argument, so now I have to sleep in the bed while she’s on the couch.
One woman I went out with demanded that I be faithful. I thought she was talking about being religious.