Looking for Work

I considered becoming a political revolutionary until I learned the hours weren’t steady and you couldn’t collect unemployment.


UFOs – Are they the imagination of many? Or are they for real. If they do exist, are they a menace? Or are they peaceful? Are they Jewish? Or are they Gentile? Are they employed? Or have they come looking for a job? These questions and many more must be answered if we’re to know the full story behind these visitors from outer space.

The Pretzel

I was touring the White House while eating a pretzel and a Secret Service agent pulled me aside asking for a bite. I noticed he had a candy bar in his pocket and I suggested a trade. Another agent came over and offered me a candy bar AND a bag of popcorn for my pretzel. When I said yes to that offer, a fight started between the two agents. The President had to come over to break it up. And I had to give him my pretzel for saving me.


I was under the illusion that everything on TV was factual. Imagine my disappointment to learn that the Muppets aren’t really little people who look like puppets.


For lunch I had chicken. Yesterday I had a burger. Why isn’t it called a cow?

Christmas Tree

I set up my Christmas tree. It’s an artificial one. I water it everyday. My wife said you don’t water an artificial tree. I said I use artificial water.

The Astronaut

I received a phone call from NASA informing me that I had been accepted into
their astronaut-training program. Very surprised, I said that I had never applied. There was an awkward silence for several seconds before being asked, “Do you want to be an astronaut?”
“I’m not good at math and I’m not a scientist,” I said.
“We’re not either,” answered NASA. “You got a car?”
I said yes.
“You’re in.”
“All I need is a car to be an astronaut?”
“Yea,” whispered the NASA employee. “Presently the astronauts all take the bus to get here. Do you know how it feels when you have the rocket all ready to blast off, the press is here, the world is watching and the astronauts are shown getting off the #93 bus before walking into the space center?”
“It’s embarrassing,” stated the NASA employee. “So we’re looking for wannabe astronauts who own a car. Do you want to join?”
I’m driving down to Florida.


I take my morning shower fully dressed. It saves time doing my laundry.


I learned something today. If you boil water to make a hard-boiled egg and forget about it, the water will evaporate and the egg will explode. I didn’t know water evaporated.

Friend’s Dog

My friend published his dog’s autobiography – “My Life on Paws”. I read it. I’m not talking in front of that animal anymore.