Paying Respects

Just returned from a wake. I was the only person there paying my respects to the deceased when a cell phone started ringing. It wasn’t my phone. I looked around the room, walked into the hallway and couldn’t find the source. As it continued ringing, I approached the coffin and realized the phone was in the pocket of the deceased. I was about to reach in and grab it when the funeral director came running in.
“I wondered where I left it,” he exclaimed.
He reached into the jacket of the deceased and retrieved it.
“I apologize for the interruption,” he said, running back out.


Just returned from vacation. It was a short one, but I made the most of it. I drove to the nearest theme park and said hello to the security guard. My neighbors are from New Mexico and I’m learning to speak New Mexican. Visited a museum that had an exhibit about museums. Had lunch at a deli. I ate their “Bread Sandwich”. It’s a slice of rye bread between two slices of pumpernickel. It was an exciting day.

Mount Rushmore

My history teacher spoke about Mount Rushmore. He said 4 Presidents were carved into stone but admitted he wasn’t sure which one was President Rushmore.

Tax Time

When my son was in the 4th grade I helped him with his homework in exchange for him helping me with my taxes.

Shopping Malls

Shopping malls have been hurt by online sales and are going out of business so I bought one online.

My Barber

Things haven’t been the same since my last haircut. My wife didn’t recognize me. My kids thought their Mom remarried and my boss assumed I was his boss. I’m giving my barber a bigger tip.


I rarely saw my Dad as a child. He thought he was Superman and the wore costume under his regular clothes. When the phone rang, he’d answer, then tear off his clothes and fly out the window. We lived on the 3nd floor. Years later I learned I didn’t see him because he was in the hospital a lot.

My Pet

I brought home my first pet – a dog. I got him from a world famous chef so he’s housebroken and can cook. He’s making me spaghetti for dinner.


A friend suggested I meditate. I found it best to do it while I’m driving.

First Kiss

I remember my first kiss. Unfortunately so does the girl and she’s been sending me hate mail ever since.