My Dog & Morse Code

I took my dog to obedience school. They taught him Morse code. Now when he’s hungry, he taps on the floor to tell me what he wants.

Education

I attended a private school as a child. I never learned anything. The teachers kept it to themselves.

Paternity Test

A man claiming to be my son had a court order for a paternity test. I thought he looked too old to be my son but I took the test and the results showed I was his son.

The Dinosaurs

I wrote an article for a science magazine.

The Dinosaurs…

Without a college education it is possible to understand that there are no more dinosaurs walking around. With one, you could become totally confused as to the reason.
What happened to the creatures that ruled the Earth for 160 million years? Scientists claim an asteroid impacted our planet and killed them.

Psychics point their collective fingers in a different direction – evil spirits. When asked “But how? There were no humans back then.” The spokesman for the psychics, “Mr. Sheer White” (Trademark name used by Robert Billings) stated, “Everyone assumes that an evil spirit is a deceased man or woman. No one ever considers that other creatures can ALSO become evil spirits. Well, that is the case here. These evil spirits are dead dinosaurs.”

On a recent fossil dig, a scientist discovered a group of dinosaurs sitting in a circle with an object in the middle that resembled a ouija board. The scientist who made the discovery was heard saying, “What the (expletive deleted)?”
Mr. Sheer White said, “See? I was right. Evil spirits.”

Then there is Wall Street. Yes, that “Wall Street”. The stockbrokers. They claim that the dinosaurs had their own version of a financial meltdown that led to their demise. Only one person – Russian President Vladimir Putin, espouses this theory. (The CIA believes he’s making this ridiculous claim to discredit capitalism.) Fast-forward to the present, if the dinosaurs had never vanished, we would be faced with an unusual dilemma – how do we live with them and not get eaten? How could we coexist in modern cities with those walking skyscrapers?

My thought – the only way for human survival would be to live in the stratosphere. Earth’s entire population would become airborne in a collection of 747’s. And, unfortunately, most of us would be in coach.
Thank God the dinosaurs are dead.

Don’t Remember…

I wrote an article for a mental health journal-

Don’t remember…

I’ve spent much time dreaming about the future while having trouble remembering the past. People will ask, “Where did you attend high school?” First I will pause, struggling to understand the question thinking, “What is a ‘high school’?” My answer is always a “Yes” even though it doesn’t fit the question. Usually I just receive some odd glances, but once I answered “Yes” to a paternity question even though I didn’t know what “paternity” meant. (That cost me thousands of dollars.) I’ve always had a great memory. That is until recently, when I can’t remember whether or not that statement is true.
At my job, at least I think it’s my job, a colleague suggests that I “Think Positive!” I followed his advice and took a nap while flying my plane. Luckily my cat took over the controls and made a successful landing. (That’s what I was told by the police.)
In the evening I relaxed in my lawn chair with a thermos of coffee. (Earlier I was at the zoo and a gorilla gave me the thermos, which was unexpected. He usually gives me a can of soda.) The sky was very dark and clear. I spotted a bright light traveling in my direction. It came to a halt 20 feet above me. (I used a tape measure to check.) It wasn’t a flying saucer. It was a flying cup. The bottom of the cup opened and a large metal item dropped out crashing to the ground about 30 feet away from me. (I measured.) It was a car transmission. How did they know that I needed one? Actually that’s not all I need. I hope they come back and give me an engine and body. And not to forget the windshield and wipers.
It was my lucky day. At least I think it was my lucky day. I’m still waiting for the rest of the car.

My Cat

I trained my cat to clean the house. After she licks herself, she licks the rooms.

In Search Of . . .

I went for a walk and came back empty handed. I couldn’t find one.

School for Mime

A mime school in France rejected me because I didn’t speak the language.

Circus

I applied for a job in a circus as a clown. I was hired because I didn’t need makeup.

Hand-me-downs

I grew up wearing hand-me-downs. It’s a disadvantage if you’re male in a single parent household with a Mother.