Bank Robbery

I went to the bank today to make a deposit. Upon arriving, I held the door for a man in a wheelchair. After he entered, I pushed him to the teller window. Several people were in line so the man and I waited. When our turn came, I pushed him to the counter; he reached into his bag and pulled out a gun.
“This is a holdup!” he announced.
I froze in place, stunned. The man looked at me with a “Don’t worry, I’m robbing them. Not you,” expression.
“Hurry up!” he shouted. He passed his bag to the bank employee to fill.
Panic ensued. Patrons dropped to the floor fearing they would be shot. A few escaped out the front door. I remained standing behind the man.
“Could you back me up a little? I’m too close to the counter and can barely see the teller,” he said.
I backed him up.
“Thanks!” he said. “And you,” pointing the gun at the teller, “hurry up with the money!” “Please don’t shoot. I have a family.” She cried while stuffing money into his bag.
“Do what I ask and no one will get hurt.”
He waved me closer to whisper into my ear.
“I’m not going to hurt anyone. This gun has no bullets.”
Finally the teller handed him the bag.
“Would you mind holding the door for me again?” he asked.
As I rolled him to the exit, he continued waving the gun and threatening everyone.
“I just want to make sure no one tries acting the hero,” he whispered.
After I opened the exit door, I wheeled him out onto the sidewalk.
“Want to go for coffee?” he asked.
“Can’t. Have some things to do.” My voice quivered.
“Thought I’d ask.” He rolled himself down to a cab. It was his getaway car. The driver put his bag and wheel chair in the trunk and sat the man in the backseat.
I returned to the bank to finally make my deposit. Everyone looked at me.
“I just met the guy!” I said. “I didn’t know he was going to rob the bank.”

Airline Flight

Before boarding my flight, I was questioned by airport security why I had a light bulb in my left pocket. I said, “Because I have a lamp in my right one.”

Mom and her Career

When I was born my mom gave up her day job as a bank robber instead working from home as a money launderer. When I turned 18, she no longer had the energy to rob banks again and considered embezzlement. I suggested counterfeiting because she had an eye for detail.

NASA Called . . .

I received a phone call from NASA informing me I had been accepted into their astronaut- training program. Very surprised, I said I had never applied. There was an awkward silence for several seconds before being asked, “Do you want to be an astronaut?” I said that I hadn’t thought about it.
“Well, do you?” repeated the NASA employee.
“I’m not good at math and I’m not a scientist,” I said.
“You got a car?”
“Yes.”
“You’re in.”
“All I need is a car to be an astronaut?” I said.
“Yea,” whispered the NASA employee. “Presently the astronauts all take the bus. Do you know how it feels when you have the rocket all ready to blast off, the press is here, the world is watching and the astronauts are shown getting off the #93 bus before walking into the space center?”
“No.”
“It’s embarrassing. So we’re looking for wannabe astronauts who own a car. Do you want to join?”
I’m driving to Florida.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Space Travel

NASA requested I write an article for their magazine-

Where No Man Has Gone Before…

Space travel. Unquestionably dangerous, but safer than getting a haircut from a dolphin, mankind has dreamt of travel in outer space. We began our journey by sending monkeys into orbit followed by white men in astronaut suits. (These men were specially picked because they couldn’t tan at the beach. NASA thought that orbiting them closer to the sun would help.) After nearly a decade of hard work, on July 20, 1969, Apollo 11 touched down on the surface of the moon! And, just to prove that we could now go anywhere, six months later Apollo 12 touched down on the surface of China! There was no stopping us now.
During the 1970’s there was a change in strategy. Astronauts remained in earth orbit (they were all men and their wives wanted them closer to home to help with the laundry) while we sent machines into the outer reaches of the solar system. One probe named Voyager had a recorded message. If found by extraterrestrials it said, “Hello! I am from the planet Earth. Do you have the time?” (It spoke in English because in every movie the aliens always spoke English so it was assumed they did in real life.)
As we continue to explore, space experts predict that private citizens will own their own spaceships and fly to the moon and beyond. My gut response was that would never happen but after seeing a man suck an egg up his nose I’m not sure. Anything’s possible.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Watching the News

I turned on my television to watch the news. As I listened to the reporter, her English was so bad that subtitles were at the bottom of the screen. I wondered how she got the job. I alerted my wife to the situation.
“Can you believe this?” I said. “I can’t understand a word she’s saying.”
“Dear-“ she said.
“How does she have a job?”
“You-“
“And they put subtitles instead of just firing her.”
“Uh-“
“I’m trying but it’s impossible to make sense of anything she’s saying.“
My wife walked in front of the TV blocking my view.
“Listen to me,” she said. “You’re watching the Russian channel.”
“She’s not speaking English?”
“No.”

Talking Dog

talking dog

My dog loves doing his DeNiro impression.

Alien Intervention

It was recently discovered that Aliens gave the Vikings deodorant and thus doubled their life expectancy.

Called in Sick

I called in sick today. When I told my boss that my head felt like it was going to explode, I put a lit firecracker by the phone.