Bank Robbery

I went to the bank today to make a deposit. Upon arriving, I held the door for a man in a wheelchair. After he entered, I pushed him to the teller window. Several people were in line so the man and I waited. When our turn came, I pushed him to the counter; he reached into his bag and pulled out a gun.
“This is a holdup!” he announced.
I froze in place, stunned. The man looked at me with a “Don’t worry, I’m robbing them. Not you,” expression.
“Hurry up!” he shouted. He passed his bag to the bank employee to fill.
Panic ensued. Patrons dropped to the floor fearing they would be shot. A few escaped out the front door. I remained standing behind the man.
“Could you back me up a little? I’m too close to the counter and can barely see the teller,” he said.
I backed him up.
“Thanks!” he said. “And you,” pointing the gun at the teller, “hurry up with the money!” “Please don’t shoot. I have a family.” She cried while stuffing money into his bag.
“Do what I ask and no one will get hurt.”
He waved me closer to whisper into my ear.
“I’m not going to hurt anyone. This gun has no bullets.”
Finally the teller handed him the bag.
“Would you mind holding the door for me again?” he asked.
As I rolled him to the exit, he continued waving the gun and threatening everyone.
“I just want to make sure no one tries acting the hero,” he whispered.
After I opened the exit door, I wheeled him out onto the sidewalk.
“Want to go for coffee?” he asked.
“Can’t. Have some things to do.” My voice quivered.
“Thought I’d ask.” He rolled himself down to a cab. It was his getaway car. The driver put his bag and wheel chair in the trunk and sat the man in the backseat.
I returned to the bank to finally make my deposit. Everyone looked at me.
“I just met the guy!” I said. “I didn’t know he was going to rob the bank.”

Good Morning – June 8th

I went to the bank today to make a deposit. Upon arriving, I held the door for a man in a wheelchair. After he entered, I pushed him to the teller window. Several people were in line so the man and I waited. When our turn came, I pushed him to the counter; he reached into his bag and pulled out a gun.
“This is a holdup!” he announced.
I froze in place, stunned. The man looked at me with a “Don’t worry, I’m robbing them. Not you,” expression.
“Hurry up!” he shouted. He passed his bag to the bank employee to fill.
Panic ensued. Patrons dropped to the floor fearing they would be shot. A few escaped out the front door. I remained standing behind the man.
“Could you back me up a little? I’m too close to the counter and can barely see the teller,” he said.
I backed him up.
“Thanks!” he said. “And you,” pointing the gun at the teller, “hurry up with the money!” “Please don’t shoot. I have a family.” She cried while stuffing money into his bag.
“Do what I ask and no one will get hurt.”
He waved me closer to whisper into my ear.
“I’m not going to hurt anyone. This gun has no bullets.”
Finally the teller handed him the bag.
“Would you mind holding the door for me again?” he asked.
As I rolled him to the exit, he continued waving the gun and threatening everyone.
“I just want to make sure no one tries acting the hero,” he whispered.
After I opened the exit door, I wheeled him out onto the sidewalk.
“Want to go for coffee?” he asked.
“Can’t. Have some things to do.” My voice quivered.
“Thought I’d ask.” He rolled himself down to a cab. It was his getaway car. The driver put his bag and wheel chair in the trunk and sat the man in the backseat.
I returned to the bank to finally make my deposit. Everyone looked at me.
“I just met the guy!” I said. “I didn’t know he was going to rob the bank.”

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Confused Bank Robbers

“Do you have a gun?” she asked.
“Do I have a gun? Why do I need a gun?” he said.
“Because you do.”
“I can’t rob a bank without a gun?”
“Not the one we’re going to,” she said.
“They won’t give me any money if I don’t have a gun?” he asked.
“That’s right.”
“You mean that I have to have a gun in order to rob that bank?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I got a knife.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “And it’s only a penknife anyway.”
“It looks threatening.”
“You need a gun.”
“How do you know that?” he asked.
“It’s in the employee handbook. I had a friend who worked there and she told me.”
“How about my note. Is it good?”
“Let me read it,” she said.
He handed it to her.
“This is not good.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Holdup is spelled wrong. Money is too. Didn’t you spell-check this?”
“No, I didn’t think it was necessary.”
She shook her head in disbelief.
“Forget the note then!”
“You can’t forget it. You need the note.”
“Why? I’ll just tell them that it’s a holdup,” he said.
“It’s in the employee handbook too.”
“Do you have a copy of the handbook?”
“Yes,” she said, handing it to him.
He did a quick read through the chapter on robberies.
“It doesn’t say anything here about needing a gun.”
“On page 57 it says-“
“The perpetrator must have a weapon,” he said, interrupting her.
“That’s right,” she nodded her head in agreement.
“It doesn’t say gun.”
“Not specifically, but my friend at the bank says that’s how the employees interpret that. That the robber has to have a gun.”
“And the requirement of a note isn’t even mentioned,” he said.
“Yes it does. At the top of page 59 it says,” taking the book from him and reading, “’a note produced by a computer printer is preferable over a hand written one when demands are made.’”
“And further down the page,” he said, grabbing the book back and reading, “’if no note is provided, verbal instructions are acceptable.’”
“I’m telling you, they won’t give you any money without a gun and a note. And the note can’t have any spelling errors. It would also help if you provided them with a resume.”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“The resume should list your past robberies, how much you made, what you accomplished, etc. And don’t forget to include references and people to contact in the event of an emergency.”
“Why can’t we just rob a different bank?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re expecting us,” she said.
“I’m confused. It’s a robbery. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
“That’s why I picked this place. They’re very accommodating. They scheduled us for a 2 o’clock robbery.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. I called and asked.”
“When you could rob the place?” he said.
“Yes, and they were nice enough to give us a timeslot on a busy day and you can’t even follow the rules in the employee handbook and have a gun and a properly written note.”
“This has gotta be a dream.”

The Martians Invaded

I started writing a novel today. The title is “The Martians Invaded.” It is the tale of a married couple becoming bank robbers. My wife suggests that the book’s title is misleading. I pointed out that the couple’s name was Jim and Patty Martian. The title is not misleading at all.