Man’s Best Friend

I found my dog sitting at my computer today. He was emailing love letters to my wife. I’m the one who feeds him. He should be writing them to me.

Plato

Plato was quoted saying “Questioning people on their deathbed only leaves us with many unanswered questions or the sudden realization that now we can never collect the money owed us.”

Mail Order Car

I bought my first car by mail order subscription. After several years and getting all the parts, a mechanic showed up to put the car together. Before he could start, he had to mail order all of his tools. I don’t think this was a good idea.

On the Subway

I was riding the subway and noticed a man reading a book. Attempting to make conversation, I asked the title. He said it was a dictionary. I inquired as to the story. He gave me an odd look and repeated  it was a dictionary. I said, “Okay, but I was just wondering what it was about.” He got irritated and repeated, “I said it was a dictionary.” Then I got annoyed and said, “I heard you. I was simply asking what it was about.” Then he shouted, “I told you. I’m reading a dictionary.” And I repeated, “Okay, but what’s it about?” He stood up angrily and stormed off.
So I’m left wondering, was it a crime story?

The Watcher

I’ve never understood why people use a telescope to look at the sky. I use mine to look my neighbors.

Thanks Dad

My dad bought me my first car. Actually he just gave me a tire. I had to supply the rest.

Unknowable

Scientists spend a lot of time wondering where the moon came from. My parents spent a lot of time wondering where I came from. Some answers are unknowable.

Crossroads

My nephew is at a crossroads. He’s entering college and can’t decide on a major. I suggested philosophy. I said as a philosopher you never have to be right. You make suggestions, have opinions, speak extemporaneously and don’t have to concern yourself with facts. There is only one exception. You have to know how to spell “Nietzsche”. And if you can grow a mustache like him, that’ll guarantee you a job.

Mount Everest

I traveled to France because I wanted to climb Mt. Everest. When I got there, I didn’t see it so I asked a lady for directions. She took me to a café called Mt. Everest. I expected it to be a lot bigger. Took me 5 minutes to climb onto the roof. I’m not impressed.

National Day of…..

There are 3 lesser known celebratory days this month.

November 15th – “National Person-who-looks-like-a-Cantaloupe Day”

November 16th – “National Sleep-on-the-Kitchen-Floor Day”

November 28th – “National Wearing-Pizza-as-a-Hat Day”