Bath Time

My mother never gave me a bath as a baby. Instead, she strapped me to the roof of the car and drove through a car wash.

Mom and her Career

When I was born my mom gave up her day job as a bank robber instead working from home as a money launderer. When I turned 18, she no longer had the energy to rob banks again and considered embezzlement. I suggested counterfeiting because she had an eye for detail.

Mom Called

I received a call from my mom today. She always calls after she sets someone’s house on fire. (I wonder if it was someone I know.)

Mom and her Career

When I was born my mom gave up her day job as a bank robber instead working from home as a money launderer. When I turned 18, she no longer had the energy to rob banks again and considered embezzlement. I suggested counterfeiting because she had an eye for detail.

Twins

My mother is a Siamese twin. She looks just like our cat.

My Wife and My Mother

My wife has much in common with my mother. They both had their teeth knocked out in a barroom fight.

My Mom Called…

I received a call from my Mother today. She always calls after she sets someone’s house on fire. She inquired if I had oatmeal for breakfast. I said maybe. I ate something but wasn’t sure what it was. It tasted like an orange but could have been oatmeal.

To be continued…

Childhood…

As a child my mother never beat me unless it was called for.
And people were calling for it all the time – by phone and by email.

Good Morning – August 17th

My mom was a difficult person. At my dad’s funeral she wanted a closed casket. The family demanded it be open so everyone could pay their respects. She finally relented opening only the bottom half. Everyone said goodbye to his feet.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Good Morning – August 7th

My dad taught my mom how to drive. We didn’t own a car so he used a boat. The driver’s test went well until one of the oars broke.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense