Who is LuAnne Kramer?

LuAnne Kramer holds the record as the world’s most misidentified woman. For years, thousands of people have mistaken her for somebody else with the height of error coming when a supermarket shopper grabbed Ms. Kramer thinking that she was a loaf of whole wheat bread.

At the Crossroads

My nephew is at a crossroads. He’s entering college and can’t decide on a major. I suggested philosophy. I said that as a philosopher you never have to be right. You make suggestions, have opinions, speak extemporaneously and don’t have to concern yourself with facts. There is only one exception. You have to know how to spell “Nietzsche”. And if you can grow a mustache like him, that’ll guarantee you a job.

The Martians Invaded

I started writing a novel today. The title is “The Martians Invaded.” It is the tale of a married couple becoming bank robbers. My wife suggests that the book’s title is misleading. I pointed out that the couple’s name was Jim and Patty Martian. The title is not misleading at all.

Who is LuAnne Kramer?

LuAnne Kramer holds the record as the world’s most misidentified woman. For years, thousands of people have mistaken her for somebody else with the height of error coming when a supermarket shopper grabbed Ms. Kramer thinking that she was a loaf of whole wheat bread.

England Called

I received a call from the British Embassy. They were confirming my meeting with Queen Elizabeth. I replied that they had confused me with someone else. They insisted that I must meet the Queen as the arrangements have been made and I would be insulting her, Great Britain and all its citizens if I declined. They said a limo had been sent to take me to the airport, I would be flying first class, put up at a fancy hotel and then I would meet Her Royal Majesty. Realizing that their mistake had provided me with a free vacation, I said, “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”
The ride to the airport, the flight, the hotel, everything was fantastic! Then came time to meet the Queen. I arrived early, waiting in the lobby of Buckingham Palace. Eventually she appeared, walked over, and asked me how the trip went.
“Wonderful,” I replied.
“Oh, before I forget, here’s your change.” She handed me some British coins. She noticed the puzzled look on my face. “When you were in London last month, they overcharged when you visited the Tower of London. Now you have the correct change.” Upon finishing her sentence, she turned and walked away.
I counted the changed. She came up short. I kept my mouth shut hoping there would be another trip when she realized her mistake.

My Mother Called

My mother called today to complain. (So what else is new?) She says that I don’t like her cooking but that isn’t true. I’m afraid of it. A nearby hospital is using it to cure cancer and the government says that it’s causing global warming. So I’m left wondering, just what is in those spaghetti and meatballs?

Marital Problems

I awoke today feeling depressed. My wife left me recently. She said it was because I slept on a mattress covered in granola bars. I was confused. I took them out of the wrappers.

Bigfoot

Thought for the day – Bigfoot. Who is this creature? Is it just a foot or does it have a whole body attached?

I’m Exhausted

Exhausting day today. Went to store to buy a new camera. Walked out with a coffee pot. Thought it WAS a camera. Then went to a furniture store. Needed a new couch. Bought a small car. I thought the car’s backseat WAS the couch. Spent the last 5 years learning French. Went to the French embassy to talk to the Ambassador. He didn’t understand me. Apparently I learned Hungarian.

Got a Call!

I got a surprise call from the London Philharmonic Orchestra. They need a trumpet player and want to hire me. I asked my wife where the London Philharmonic Orchestra was.
“In London, England!”
I mentioned that I would take the job.
“How? You don’t play the trumpet!” she said.
“Is that required?”
She shook her head and walked away.
I’m flying tomorrow but first I’m buying a trumpet.
I’ll practice on the plane.