Arms Control

I appeared before a joint session of Congress today to give my thoughts on arms control.

“Firstly, let us not be confused with the meaning of ‘Arms Control’. I am not referring to countries and their weapons, instead I am calling attention to ‘Arms’ control as in
the control of those limbs which shoot out from the shoulders.
I am a person who suffers from such control, or lack thereof. Strangers, dozens, possibly hundreds, have been needlessly surprised when my arms have expectedly positioned themselves around their necks in an attempt at strangulation. No apology is ever enough and the nicest coffin doesn’t gain forgiveness either.
“And it doesn’t stop there. Without proper ‘arms control’ there can never also be ‘hand control’. Since they are connected and affected by the actions of the arms, how can there ever be a correct choice in picking socks? You may want blue, but if your hands shoot for brown, need I say more? You’re wearing brown.
“I do not consider this topic minor as it would be a fair guess that most men never really consider the best socks to wear. Or even pants for that matter. Consider, if pants are not being used correctly, around the waist and legs they are usually being worn as a shirt. (It’s very uncomfortable having the zipper around your throat.) The affected men awaken in the morning, disoriented, frightened by the sight of their wives, wash and stumble into their clothes. Usually a suit is picked the evening before, but how it’s worn is decided by their affliction.
“Returning to the subject of socks, they are the most essential article of clothing a man wears. More important then even underwear! Men wearing properly chosen socks made all of the great speeches. No President would ever deliver an important speech wearing argyle socks. Presidents need clarity and focus. Argyle represents confusion. Who would trust a President that wore argyle? Certainly not me.”


I spent the day riding the subway with a woman who thought it was an underground amusement park.

Grand Canyon

Recently I visited the Grand Canyon. Very nice restrooms.


I was raised by my Mom and she told me my dad was Mark Twain. That was a disappointment because I thought he was Jed Clampett.


I cooked dinner last night. When it was done, I couldn’t remember what I ate. That was an improvement over last time when I had nightmares.


For Halloween my wife and I dress up as clowns. When the children come to the door, we tell them we’re in the attic and to come get their candy.

Old Camera

My wife saw me holding an antique camera I wanted to buy. I said, “They don’t make film for it anymore.” She said, “That’s a good thing.”

How to . . .

My local bookstore sells only “How To” books. I asked for a copy of “How to Sell Anything”. They didn’t have it.

Job App

I applied for a job at a tech company. They wanted to know if I felt comfortable using a pencil. I said I preferred a pen. I didn’t get the job.

First Grade

I saw my First Grade teacher and she remembered I missed a spelling test. She mailed me a copy. I took it and failed. Now I have to repeat 1st Grade.