Airline Flight

Before boarding my flight, I was questioned by airport security why I had a light bulb in my left pocket. I said, “Because I have a lamp in my right one.”

England Called

I received a call from the British Embassy. They were confirming my meeting with Queen Elizabeth. I replied that they had confused me with someone else. They insisted that I must meet the Queen as the arrangements have been made and I would be insulting her, Great Britain and all its citizens if I declined. They said a limo had been sent to take me to the airport, I would be flying first class, put up at a fancy hotel and then I would meet Her Royal Majesty. Realizing that their mistake had provided me with a free vacation, I said, “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”
The ride to the airport, the flight, the hotel, everything was fantastic! Then came time to meet the Queen. I arrived early, waiting in the lobby of Buckingham Palace. Eventually she appeared, walked over, and asked me how the trip went.
“Wonderful,” I replied.
“Oh, before I forget, here’s your change.” She handed me some British coins. She noticed the puzzled look on my face. “When you were in London last month, they overcharged when you visited the Tower of London. Now you have the correct change.” Upon finishing her sentence, she turned and walked away.
I counted the changed. She came up short. I kept my mouth shut hoping there would be another trip when she realized her mistake.

Travel to France

I traveled to France because I wanted to climb Mt. Everest. When I got there, I didn’t see it so I asked a lady for directions. She took me to a nearby café with the name Mt. Everest. I expected it to be a lot bigger. There were just 5 steps to get to the top. I wasn’t impressed. A patron in the café told me about the Eiffel Tower. He said it was very tall. I asked him where it was. He said in Nepal. That’s next to China. I’m catching a plane in the morning.

Traveling & Sleeping

I went to sleep last night in my bed and woke up on a bus. Once I woke up on a cruise ship. Another time I was flying first class to Paris. But today I’m on a bus?! I go to bed wearing a tux hoping to wake up in Buckingham Palace not in the backseat of a bus. This is very stressful.

Airline Flight

Before boarding my flight, I was questioned by airport security why I had a light bulb in my left pocket. I said, “Because I have a lamp in my right one.”

Good Afternoon…..Day 56

I got a surprise call from the London Philharmonic Orchestra. They need a trumpet player and want to hire me. I asked my wife where the London Philharmonic Orchestra was.
“In London, England!”
I mentioned that I would take the job.
“How? You don’t play the trumpet!” she said.
“Is that required?”
She shook her head and walked away.
I’m flying tomorrow but first I’m buying a trumpet.
I’ll practice on the plane.

Good Afternoon…..Day 55

It’s that time of year again. What time is that? When I go to bed not knowing where I’ll wake up. Last night I fell asleep in New Jersey and woke up in Colorado sitting on a horse. Another time I was on a cruise ship in the Bahamas (that was pleasant). The worst was waking up in a dental chair getting a root canal in London. (It was the Queen’s dentist.)
The problem? Getting to work. My commuting expenses are enormous and I’m late every day. I’m getting fired constantly. Some bosses are intrigued and wonder if they can travel with me. They’ll sleep next to me and when they wake up and see me gone and they’re not, I lose another job.
I’ve applied to a temp agency with offices throughout the world. So if I wake up in Tokyo , the job will be local. I hope I get hired soon. I’m suffering from jet lag and I’m tired of seeing Paris.

Good Morning…..Day 265

I fell asleep on the subway in New York and woke up on a park bench in San Francisco. I went to the police looking for an explanation. They informed me that while I was sleeping, I traveled to JFK airport, hopped a plane to Las Vegas, went to a casino and gambled $1K at the poker table, took in a show, then traveled to the Hollywood and met with Steven Spielberg to talk about my movie script, finally renting a car and driving to San Francisco where I ended up on the bench. The police asked me if I’d like to see a psychiatrist for help. I said no. I had $10K in my pocket from the casino and a signed movie contract from Spielberg. He bought my script for $175K. I thanked the police and returned to the park bench. Time to go back to sleep.

Good Morning…..Day 264

I wanted to go mountain climbing. Trouble is, I can barely climb stairs without getting tired. I put an ad in the paper asking for someone to carry me up a mountain, but no one responded. Then it hit me – go skydiving. Fly over the mountain, jump out, land on it, hide the parachute and tell everyone I climbed it. That’s exactly what I did. Unfortunately I forgot one thing – I had to climb down the mountain. Now I’m stuck here. I called the post office and asked if they’d forward my mail.

Good Morning…..Day 240

I received a call from the British Embassy. They were confirming my meeting with Queen Elizabeth. I replied that they had confused me with someone else. They insisted that I must meet the Queen as the arrangements have been made and I would be insulting her, Great Britain and all its citizens if I declined. They said a limo had been sent to take me to the airport, I would be flying first class, put up at a fancy hotel and then I would meet Her Royal Majesty. Realizing that their mistake had provided me with a free vacation, I said, “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”
The ride to the airport, the flight, the hotel, everything was fantastic! Then came time to meet the Queen. I arrived early, waiting in the lobby of Buckingham Palace. Eventually she appeared, walked over, and asked me how the trip went.
“Wonderful,” I replied.
“Oh, before I forget, here’s your change.” She handed me some British coins. She noticed the puzzled look on my face. “When you were in London last month, they overcharged when you visited the Tower of London. Now you have the correct change.” Upon finishing her sentence, she turned and walked away.
I counted the changed. She came up short. I kept my mouth shut hoping there would be another trip when she realized her mistake.