Fired

I was fired from my job today. I worked at the local hospital as a heart surgeon. In retrospect, I don’t know why they hired me. On the job application they asked what I’d like to do and I answered “heart surgery”. They should’ve asked, “What CAN I do”. Anyway, I was hired and found myself in the operating room. It didn’t take long for the medical staff to realize I didn’t know anything, but they played along. If I bought them lunch, they’d do the surgery for me. Everything was fine until the neurosurgeons wanted in on the action. Now I had to pretend to do brain surgery and buy them lunch. Then the hospital CEO learned about the situation and he wanted brunch. I told him forget it. I could DO his job. Then I was fired.

Good Morning – September 21st

I applied for a job at the unemployment office. They asked for my qualifications. I said I was unemployed. They said I was overqualified.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Fired

I was fired from my job today. I worked at the local hospital as a heart surgeon. In retrospect, I don’t know why they hired me. On the job application they asked what I’d like to do and I answered “heart surgery”. They should’ve asked, “What CAN I do”. Anyway, I was hired and found myself in the operating room. It didn’t take long for the medical staff to realize I didn’t know anything, but they played along. If I bought them lunch, they’d do the surgery for me. Everything was fine until the neurosurgeons wanted in on the action. Now I had to pretend to do brain surgery and buy them lunch. Then the hospital CEO learned about the situation and he wanted brunch. I told him forget it. I could DO his job. Then I was fired.

Unemployment

“I just got laid off,” he said, walking in the front door.
“Oh my God! Why? How?” she asked.
“They don’t need me anymore.” He walked into the living room.
“But you work at the unemployment office. How do you get laid off from there?”
“I guess everyone’s gone back to work,” he said, sitting down in a chair.
“What rotten news.” She sat next to him.
“I knew it was coming. Every night on the news, they kept reporting that the unemployment index was going down.”
“That stinks.”
“You’re telling me,” he said, rubbing his eyes.
“Do you think anything will happen to make it go back up?” she asked, showing her support.
“You mean like a depression?”
She nodded.
“I don’t know. I wish,” he said, pausing a moment. “But ain’t that a terrible thing to hope for? Maybe I’ll just wish for a recession. That’s not as bad.”
“I should’ve never voted for that Democrat.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered.”
“Any others at the office get the axe?” she asked.
“Ten others did.”
“Including Jim?”
“They didn’t have to lay him off,” he said. “He had an accident yesterday.”
She looked at him, waiting for an explanation.
“Remember he got that new rug?”
She nodded.
“And it had that deep plush pile?”
“Yea.”
“Well, walking around on it built up a large static charge. When he grabbed the front door knob, he electrocuted himself.”
“I never heard of such a thing.”
“That’s why I prefer linoleum.”
“I see your point,” she said.
“Funeral’s tomorrow.”
“Ok.”
“After that I head over to the unemployment office to file a claim.”

Good Afternoon…..Day 110

I was fired from my job for combing my hair all day. I told my boss, I thought that WAS my job.

Good Morning…..Day 190

“I just got laid off,” he said, walking in the front door.
“Oh my God! Why? How?” she asked.
“They don’t need me anymore.” He walked into the living room.
“But you work at the unemployment office. How do you get laid off from there?”
“I guess everyone’s gone back to work,” he said, sitting down in a chair.
“What rotten news.” She sat next to him.
“I knew it was coming. Every night on the news, they kept reporting that the unemployment index was going down.”
“That stinks.”
“You’re telling me,” he said, rubbing his eyes.
“Do you think anything will happen to make it go back up?” she asked, showing her support.
“You mean like a depression?”
She nodded.
“I don’t know. I wish,” he said, pausing a moment. “But ain’t that a terrible thing to hope for? Maybe I’ll just wish for a recession. That’s not as bad.”
“I should’ve never voted for that Democrat.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered.”
“Any others at the office get the axe?” she asked.
“Ten others did.”
“Including Jim?”
“They didn’t have to lay him off,” he said. “He had an accident yesterday.”
She looked at him, waiting for an explanation.
“Remember he got that new rug?”
She nodded.
“And it had that deep plush pile?”
“Yea.”
“Well, walking around on it built up a large static charge. When he grabbed the front door knob, he electrocuted himself.”
“I never heard of such a thing.”
“That’s why I prefer linoleum.”
“I see your point,” she said.
“Funeral’s tomorrow.”
“Ok.”
“After that I head over to the unemployment office to file a claim.”

The Chapter 4 opening in my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.

Unemployed…

I was fired from my job for combing my hair all day.
I told my boss, I thought that WAS my job.

Unemployed…

“I just got laid off,” he said, walking in the front door.
“Oh my God! Why? How?” she asked.
“They don’t need me anymore.” He walked into the living room.
“But you work at the unemployment office. How do you get laid off from there?”
“I guess everyone’s gone back to work,” he said, sitting down in a chair.
“What rotten news.” She sat next to him.
“I knew it was coming. Every night on the news, they kept reporting that the unemployment index was going down.”
“That stinks.”
“You’re telling me,” he said, rubbing his eyes.
“Do you think anything will happen to make it go back up?” she asked, showing her support.
“You mean like a depression?”
She nodded.
“I don’t know. I wish,” he said, pausing a moment. “But ain’t that a terrible thing to hope for? Maybe I’ll just wish for a recession. That’s not as bad.”
“I should’ve never voted for that Democrat.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered.”
“Any others at the office get the axe?” she asked.
“Ten others did.”
“Including Jim?”
“They didn’t have to lay him off,” he said. “He had an accident yesterday.”
She looked at him, waiting for an explanation.
“Remember he got that new rug?”
She nodded.
“And it had that deep plush pile?”
“Yea.”
“Well, walking around on it built up a large static charge. When he grabbed the front door knob, he electrocuted himself.”
“I never heard of such a thing.”
“That’s why I prefer linoleum.”
“I see your point,” she said.
“Funeral’s tomorrow.”
“Ok.”
“After that I head over to the unemployment office to file a claim.”

The Chapter 4 opening in my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.