Growing Up…

Growing up was especially difficult in my family
because my mother did everything she could to prevent it.

Man’s Best Friend

I found my dog sitting at my computer today. He was emailing love letters to my wife. I’m the one who feeds him. He should be writing them to me.


Plato was quoted saying “Questioning people on their deathbed only leaves us with many unanswered questions or the sudden realization that now we can never collect the money owed us.”

My Mother Called

My mother called today to complain. She says that I don’t like her cooking but that isn’t true. I’m afraid of it. A hospital is using it to cure cancer and the government says that it’s causing global warming. So I’m left wondering, just what is in those spaghetti and meatballs?

New Phone

I bought a new phone today. It has a miniature shower head. I attached a bottle of water and gave myself a shower in an elevator. A great time saver.

Mail Order Car

I bought my first car by mail order subscription. After several years and getting all the parts, a mechanic showed up to put the car together. Before he could start, he had to mail order all of his tools. I don’t think this was a good idea.

A Confusing Morning…

I had a confusing morning. My wife spoke to me but I didn’t understand a word she was saying. My eyeglasses went missing and everything looked blurry. Then a man walked out of my bedroom and started talking to me. I also couldn’t understand him. Finally there was a knock on the door. My wife answered it and, standing in the doorway, was my real wife.
“Honey,” she called.
I was even more confused.
“You did it again,” she said. “You went home to the wrong apartment.”
“I didn’t understand a word they said.”
“They’re talking in Italian.”
“How come they didn’t complain when I got into bed with them?”
My wife shrugged.
I left, thanking them for their hospitality. The Italian woman gave me a loaf of bread as a parting gift.

Movie Contract

I fell asleep on the subway in New York and woke up on a park bench in San Francisco. I went to the police looking for an explanation. They informed me that while I was sleeping, I traveled to JFK airport, hopped a plane to Las Vegas, went to a casino and gambled $1K at the poker table, took in a show, then traveled to the Hollywood and met with Steven Spielberg to talk about my movie script, finally renting a car and driving to San Francisco where I ended up on the bench. The police asked me if I’d like to see a psychiatrist for help. I said no. I had $10K in my pocket from the casino and a signed movie contract from Spielberg. He bought my script for $175K. I thanked the police and returned to the park bench. Time to go back to sleep.

Life is . . .

Life is like a pair of pants…but with a broken zipper.

New Client?

I met with a new client. He asked if I had any opinions about the Moon. I said no. He smiled. “I just bought a house there,” he added. “I love it but the commute is a killer.” Wasn’t sure if I wanted this guy as a client.