Good Morning – July 14th

My mother redecorated her house. She held a séance and claimed a ghost made the suggestions. After seeing the results I told her to get a new ghost.

From my book – Good Morning: Your Guide to Utter Nonsense

Overnight in a Haunted House – Time to Leave

3:48 AM
I awakened to the sound of gunfire and cannons. Soldiers fought in hand- to-hand combat on my bed. Bayonets tore through the sheets missing my head by inches. I heard the names Grant and Lee being spoken. Is the Civil War being fought in my room? I wanted to run but was surrounded.
A ghost angrily screamed, “Are you a Yankee?”
“NO!” I’m French!” I assumed that he was talking to me.
“You don’t sound French!”
I peeked from under my sheet. He pointed his rifle at me and prepared to
shoot but a bullet hit him. His body fell on top of mine.
The soldier, who shot him, leaned next to me and said, “Don’t cha worry
Frenchie, I’ll keep ya safe.” Then he returned to battle.

5:10 AM
The butler returned and was vacuuming again. This time he pushed me out of the bed and changed the sheets. They were ripped in the battle.

7:30 AM
I had breakfast with the homeowners before they left for work. I told them about my night. They acted jealous when I mentioned the Civil War battle. Apparently it usually takes place in their bedroom.
I informed them that I would be leaving this morning and thanked them for the opportunity to stay in their home. They smiled, and said if I ever wanted to return that I would be welcomed.

Overnight in a Haunted House – Part Four

7:10 PM
We (the homeowners and myself) sat in the living room watching the evening news. When the word “democrat” was mentioned regarding a story, a tomato was thrown at the television screen. The homeowners laughed commenting that a republican ghost was in the house. Several tomatoes were tossed. I said it must be annoying to clean it up. They said no that the butler would take care of it.

9:30 PM
We sat on the porch enjoying the beautiful night. I continued asking questions about the spirits that lived in their home. They started to tell me about “the musician” when I heard an organ being played. The homeowners had big smiles on their faces, expressing delight that he (or she) decided to perform. I was told that the ghost must like me, because he (or she) doesn’t play for everyone. I asked about the music and the homeowners said that it was Bach.

10:00 PM
We’re still on the porch and the music continues. (Think I heard some Gershwin when the organ changed to a piano.)
I commented to the homeowners that “haunted houses” generally have only one ghost but their house seems to have multiple personalities. I asked if they had any idea as to why. The answered that they didn’t.

11:30 PM
Finally in bed and hiding under the covers. The butler is in my room and he’s vacuuming. I hope he doesn’t want to change the bed sheets.

Overnight in a Haunted House – Part Three

9:00 AM
I was on the 2nd floor when I heard a motorcycle. I looked out the window and saw nothing. I ran to the stairs, with the intention of going outside to look, but the motorcycle burst through the front door, riding up the stairs and almost running me over in the process. I quickly retreated to my bedroom, locking the door behind me. For the next hour, the sounds of transportation were heard. Cars, buses, trucks, subways, horns and sirens were in the mix. When I heard a cruise ship captain shout “All Aboard!” water seeped under the door to my bedroom.

11:30 AM
Everything is quiet. I’m still in my room,
I heard a knock on my door. I opened it to find lunch on a plate sitting on the floor. Spaghetti and meatballs with a garlic sauce. My favorite. How did the ghost or ghosts know?

12:30 PM
I cautiously ventured out of my room. I sat in the living room, read and watched some television. The house was quiet.

5:00 PM
The homeowners returned home from work. I told them about the day. They weren’t surprised. We ate supper together and continued the ghost discussion. They relayed one instance about coming home to find the laundry
done and the house vacuumed. I asked if they were afraid. They said no. Since one of the spirits did housework, they speculated that he was a butler in a previous life.

Overnight in a Haunted House – Part Two

10:00 PM
I heard noises coming from the attic. When I went upstairs to investigate, I found a football game in progress. I did not see any ghosts, but the ball was being thrown back-and-forth across the room. On the final throw, it was aimed at my head. I ducked with it barely missing me. I descended the attic stairs in a hurry .

10:10 PM
After the football incident, I retired to my bedroom for a night of sleep. I pulled the covers over my head. As I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep, I could smell fresh paint. I didn’t investigate.

7:00 AM
(Next day)
I pulled the covers off my head. While the smell of paint had vanished, I discovered that my fingernails and toenails had been painted red.
The homeowners had departed for work leaving me alone in the house. I got up, showered and dressed, and ate cereal for breakfast.

8:30 AM
I explored the house again, avoiding the attic.

Overnight in a Haunted House – Part One

7:30 PM
I arrived at the house with an overnight bag. My suitcase contained several crucifixes, multiple bottles of Holy Water and the phone number and address of every Catholic Church within ten miles. (I admit that I was apprehensive.) The home’s appearance did nothing to allay my fears. One could imagine a Hollywood set designer building this house with a horror movie in mind. It was three stories tall with multiple gables. The sight of it could cause a non-believer to become a believer. For a moment I considered turning around and fleeing. Nevertheless, I had a story to tell and knocked on the front door. The homeowners opened the door and could see that I was nervous. They reassured me that everything would be fine. I entered the home.

8:30 PM
I counted all the rooms. There were 15 – bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchen, studies, dining room, etc. And I’m not including the attic and basement. A person could get lost in this house. The interior design was modern. The rooms were painted with muted colors. The furniture was comfortable. I felt at ease as I explored the dwelling. My fear subsided.

9:30 PM
The homeowners had retired early to bed.
I entered the kitchen to make a chicken salad sandwich to eat. When I got there, I spotted one on the table already made. Complete with a pickle. I
assumed that the owners had made it for me. I didn’t realize that “it” had started.

Read my Books for FREE

Today and tomorrow – May 25th and May 26th – my books are a FREE DOWNLOAD on Amazon. Use the free Kindle app – which you download HERE – to read them.

My first book is (there are no) Answers to the Mysteries is a humor book.
“While on an archeological expedition in Egypt, Dr. Salmon discovered the ancient tomb of King Itacher, the only King never preserved as a mummy but was instead ‘freeze-dried’. Instructions written on the side of the sarcophagus declared that with the addition of 5 gallons of water, King Itacher would come back to life.”
(there are no) Answers to the Mysteries” explores a variety of phenomena – Ghosts, UFOs, Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle, Life after Death, Reincarnation and Atlantis the Lost Continent. Are Aliens visiting us? Is Reincarnation real? Where is Atlantis today? Is Bigfoot alive and well?
The riveting narrative contains interviews with ghosts and scientists, farmers and college professors, people who have had contact with Bigfoot and the reincarnated. There is the story of a man who claims to be a descendent from Atlantis. Other excerpts include passages from the diary of a man who spent the night in a haunted house and another from the diary of a ghost trapped in a prison cell. Many strange stories are told but there are no clear answers.
The title of the book is “Answers to the Mysteries”, but please note the three words in parentheses “there are no”. The search for the answers continues amid the many interesting stories told. Who knows, maybe someday, someone will provide the answers that have eluded all of us.”

My next book is 5 Pumpkins & a Head is light humor combined with some not so scary stuff.
“Nick, a young man in his twenties, works the graveyard shift as a security guard in a factory possessed by an evil demon. As the story unfolds, we watch Nick daydreaming about his former fiancé and struggling to understand the unearthly events that are happening around him. A comedy nightclub suddenly appears in the basement at the warehouse. The ceilings at the factory descend trying to crush him. A worker is encased in a block of ice. The evil that surrounds Nick at work follows wherever he goes.
Sitting in the security office at work, a truck driver asks Nick about his future plans. Nick answers, “I don’t have any.” He feels trapped between his lack of ambition and a factory that wants to kill him.”

My last book is Election Day for President of the United States is another humor book.
“This is the story of Harry Keaton – a candidate for the Presidency of the United States. It is Election Day and Harry is the overwhelming favorite to win! What could possibly go wrong? Well, on the day before the election, Harry had a few drinks and does something that could not only cost him the election but also put him behind bars. On Election Day morning he discovers what he has done and, with the help of his campaign manager, his Vice-Presidential running mate, two Secret Service agents and his wife, he attempts to cover up what becomes known as “the incident”. And he only has about 16 hours to succeed.”

5 Pumpkins & A Head

“Do you have a gun?” she asked.
“Do I have a gun? Why do I need a gun?” he said.
“Because you do.”
“I can’t rob a bank without a gun?”
“Not the one we’re going to,” she said.
“They won’t give me any money if I don’t have a gun?” he asked.
“That’s right.”
“You mean that I have to have a gun in order to rob that bank?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I got a knife.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “And it’s only a penknife anyway.”
“It looks threatening.”
“You need a gun.”
“How do you know that?” he asked.
“It’s in the employee handbook. I had a friend who worked there and she told me.”
“How about my note. Is it good?”
“Let me read it,” she said.
He handed it to her.
“This is not good.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Holdup is spelled wrong. Money is too. Didn’t you spell-check this?”
“No, I didn’t think it was necessary.”
She shook her head in disbelief.
“Forget the note then!”
“You can’t forget it. You need the note.”
“Why? I’ll just tell them that it’s a holdup,” he said.
“It’s in the employee handbook too.”
“Do you have a copy of the handbook?”
“Yes,” she said, handing it to him.
He did a quick read through the chapter on robberies.
“It doesn’t say anything here about needing a gun.”
“On page 57 it says-“
“The perpetrator must have a weapon,” he said, interrupting her.
“That’s right,” she nodded her head in agreement.
“It doesn’t say gun.”
“Not specifically, but my friend at the bank says that’s how the employees interpret that. That the robber has to have a gun.”
“And the requirement of a note isn’t even mentioned,” he said.
“Yes it does. At the top of page 59 it says,” taking the book from him and reading, “’a note produced by a computer printer is preferable over a hand written one when demands are made.’”
“And further down the page,” he said, grabbing the book back and reading, “’if no note is provided, verbal instructions are acceptable.’”
“I’m telling you, they won’t give you any money without a gun and a note. And the note can’t have any spelling errors. It would also help if you provided them with a resume.”
“What?” he said, surprised.
“The resume should list your past robberies, how much you made, what you accomplished, etc. And don’t forget to include references and people to contact in the event of an emergency.”
“Why can’t we just rob a different bank?”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re expecting us,” she said.
“I’m confused. It’s a robbery. It’s supposed to be a surprise.”
“That’s why I picked this place. They’re very accommodating. They scheduled us for a 2 o’clock robbery.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. I called and asked.”
“When you could rob the place?” he said.
“Yes, and they were nice enough to give us a timeslot on a busy day and you can’t even follow the rules in the employee handbook and have a gun and a properly written note.”
“This has gotta be a dream.”

The Chapter 9 opening in my book 5 Pumpkins & a Head.
If you have Kindle Unlimited, you can read for free.

Good Morning…..Day 249

All I’ve ever wanted were the answers to some of the greatest mysteries in
our world. Case in point –
“While on an archeological expedition in Egypt, Dr. Salmon discovered the ancient tomb of King Itacher, the only King never preserved as a mummy but was instead ‘freeze-dried’. Instructions written on the side of the sarcophagus declared that with the addition of 5 gallons of water, King Itacher would come back to life.”
Your initial reaction after reading that paragraph is probably one of disbelief, or for the more open-minded, staunch skepticism. While that is understandable, let me point out that as little as 500 years ago the Earth was believed to be the center of the universe. Only 200 years ago bodily illnesses were believed to be caused by evil spirits. And 100 years ago you would have been considered a dreamer if you claimed that man would someday land on the moon. Reality has changed and continues to change showing us what IS the truth, even if we can’t explain it.
I wanted to explore these paradoxes shrouded in mystery to find answers. To discover another piece of the puzzle to explain the world and universe that surrounds us. That gives us our life. Well, let me say at the beginning, that the ending is only a conclusion to my story and it doesn’t come with any answers.
“In 1973, Ronald Smith claimed that he was invincible and was willing to take on any challengers. A junkyard in his town responded with the challenge of him escaping from their automobile compactor. Smith accepted the offer and allowed himself to be seated in a 1965 Chevy, which was placed in the compacter and crushed into a one-inch cube. Men screamed, women fainted and children applauded when Mr. Smith emerged from the compactor as the world’s only one inch man.”
I have never been able to find an explanation for these events. They defy the scientists who understand Einstein’s famous equation E=MC2. These scientists can explain quantum mechanics but scratch their heads trying to figure out Mr. Smith’s size. What this means is, while the universe can have black holes and neutron stars, it can also have one-inch men.
So, I guess the real question is, if answers cannot be found, what’s the point of looking? Not an unreasonable question, but I must remind you that at one point there were also no explanations for black holes and neutron stars. Now we have a basic understanding of these natural occurrences. I approached these new mysteries with hope that someday they will be explained. I wanted to start an intelligent discussion.
Where was I going to begin? I knew that if you attempted to record all of the mysteries that existed, you would produce a set of books that would encircle the globe. I needed to focus on some of the most popular subjects – ghosts, UFOs, Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle, life after death, reincarnation and Atlantis. I
decided that I would interview the people who have experienced these phenomena firsthand. The people who have seen ghosts, been abducted by UFOs, or were on the trail of Bigfoot. My experiences during this time were incredible. One does not witness the unknown and come away unaffected.

From my book “(there are no) Answers to the Mysteries” –
Available today and tomorrow (April 6 & 7, 2017) as a FREE e-book download, so what have you got to lose? If you hate it, you can tell me!

Good Morning…..Day 246

He knocked on the front door to pick up his date.
The girl’s father answered.
“You dare try and seduce my daughter you Chinese filth!” he screamed, pointing a gun at him.
“No, sir, no. It’s nothing like that,” he said. “We’re just going to the mall. Please sir, I mean no harm. And I’m not Chinese.” He backed away from the old man.
“Don’t you talk to me you French scum! You want to get my daughter drunk so you can take advantage of her!” He fired some shots into the air.
“I wasn’t going to do any such thing,” he pleaded. “I wasn’t going to lay a hand on your daughter. Now please put down that gun. Somebody might get hurt. And I’m also not French.”
“You Italian degenerate! You expect me to believe that? You come to my home to get my daughter and you’re not going to try anything? Do you think I’m an idiot?” he screamed, shooting the gun off several more times.
“No sir, you’re not an idiot. Just mistaken. Like when you called me an Italian. I’m not.”
“You’re a Polish rapist and I’m going to kill you!” He fired the gun directly at him.
“I’m not Polish!” he shouted, jumping behind a tree.
“I intend to make an example of your death to all Japanese garbage. You can’t expect to lay a hand on my daughter and get away with it.”
“And I’m not Japanese either!”
“So you’re from Argentina?”

From my book “5 Pumpkins & a Head” –
Available today (3-31-2017) as a FREE e-book download, so what have you got to lose?
If you hate it, you can tell me! But if you love it, I don’t want to know.