Work from Home

I woke up late today for work. I work in a shoe factory on an assembly line stitching together shoes. I called my boss to let him know. He told me to work from home. 

Albert Einstein

While I don’t have the intelligence of Albert Einstein, he doesn’t have my pants.

Vacation

Just returned from vacation. It was a short one, but I made the most of it. I drove to the nearest theme park and said hello to the security guard. My neighbors are from New Mexico and I’m learning to speak New Mexican. Visited a museum that had an exhibit about museums. Had lunch at a deli. I ate their “Bread Sandwich”. It’s a slice of rye bread between two slices of pumpernickel. It was an exciting day.

Blind Date

I tried going on a blind date but we were both blindfolded and couldn’t find each other.

Stock Market

I made a fortune in the stock market thanks to my dog. I’d mention a particular stock and if he barked once, I’d buy it. Twice, I wouldn’t.

 

Fired

I was fired from my job today. I worked at the local hospital as a heart surgeon. In retrospect, I don’t know why they hired me. On the job application they asked what I’d like to do and I answered “heart surgery”. They should’ve asked, “What CAN I do”. Anyway, I was hired and found myself in the operating room. It didn’t take long for the medical staff to realize I didn’t know anything, but they played along. If I bought them lunch, they’d do the surgery for me. Everything was fine until the neurosurgeons wanted in on the action. Now I had to pretend to do brain surgery and buy them lunch. Then the hospital CEO learned about the situation and he wanted brunch. I told him forget it. I could DO his job. Then I was fired.

Political Revolutionary

I considered becoming a political revolutionary until I learned the hours weren’t steady and you couldn’t collect unemployment.

Silent Auction

My friend won the grand prize at a silent auction – a farm. Ten thousand boxes of dirt are being delivered to her apartment.

Paternity Test

A man claiming to be my son had a court order for a paternity test. I thought he looked too old to be my son but I took the test and the results showed I was his son.

New Home

I moved into a new home that runs on batteries. The realtor recommended it as protection in case of a power failure. However, it’s difficult to buy 10,000 AAA batteries at a time.